Relationships and climbing

Hi all, I’m pretty new to climbing and have been getting into it over the last year or so mainly because of my significant other. Climbing is something I genuinely enjoy however and I’m happy I was introduced to it. That being said, my significant other has been climbing for several years and is more advanced than me. We still enjoy climbing together indoor or outdoors.
He has expressed difficulties with finding a climbing partner on his level in the past and presently one of his best climbing partners is a woman. I’ve met her plenty of times before and she seems nice. They climb together at the gym and sometimes do one night climbs outdoors. They have also climbed internationally on group trips. None of this bothers me.
Recently however my partner expressed he would like do an international trip with a group of friends. Towards the end of trip everyone else will leave and it will just be the two of them climbing together for at least a few days if not more. I’m not sure how I feel about this so I was wondering what everyone’s thoughts are on their significant others doing an international trip with someone else? I do plan on talking to him about it but have not yet had the time. 

Side note - I haven’t been invited to prior international trips because of level differences and now because I have other travel plans.

Thanks!

If they weren’t fucking before they ain’t fucking now.  

A good partner is hard to find, don’t take this away from him.

Try to be the kind of girlfriend no one would cheat on, not the kind that’s worried about getting cheated on.

This is like him being upset your OBGYN is male.

You are having a totally normal reaction to the situation, it will be fine.

That’s an interesting comparison. My gynecologist is male actually. I will say that the experience of a pelvic exam is not quite the same as traveling in a foreign country and bonding over shared experiences and interests over the span of several hours, multiple days in row. Not sure if you have had one before but pelvic exams generally tend to be clinical, uncomfortable and unenjoyable. Appreciate the input though! 

(guy here, dismiss what I have to say if you must)  You're in a tough position because while I wholeheartedly agree with what Rprops said, most people would be lying if they said that the thought of their SO spending a few days with a member of the opposite sex in another country on a trip didn't give them some pause. That is not to say that there anything to be concerned about though.

If this is someone he has made a point to introduce you to and who he has been climbing with for a long time, I would give him the benefit of the doubt here. My climbing partner is a woman also and she/I do overnight alpine climbs multiple times a year or multi-day trips. She has a boyfriend who I have met multiple times and who I'm friendly with, he never has a problem with his gf and I doing our trips. With no exaggeration, I climb with her probably 48 of 52 weekend each year. We were partners before they started dating and nothing has ever happened/would ever happen, it is strictly platonic and solely a strong climbing partnership. This sort of thing can and does exist.

You are well within your right to speak up and ask about the accommodations and itinerary. You may decide your comfort level is that they don't share a room, or you might decide it's not a big deal to you. What I would say though, is that if you take the approach of telling him you're not comfortable with him doing the trip - it reveals your own insecurities and will likely not end well. But I would emphasize that that's not to say you can't raise your concerns calmly and even ask to get together with him and his partner for lunch or something again to assess her as a person, you can and should ask about the accommodations. But trying to limit what he does related to the hobby he probably loves most will undoubtedly cause friction between the two of you. Find a common ground where you can express your discomfort and give him the chance to alleviate it.

It should go without saying that if you afford him this level of trust, he should return it back to you fully.

Thanks for sharing your story and providing perspective, I appreciate that.

While I do trust him and I genuinely don’t believe he is doing anything questionable, I wonder if in the long term, it’s like playing with fire? 

I think it is wrong to put your partner in this position. In this case, your boyfriend putting you in the "don't you trust me?" position.

Just because it's OK with your partner doesn't mean it should be OK with you.  Don't go on an overnight trip with a partner of the opposite sex.

My two cents.

I often put my wife through this scenario in the early days of our relationship. One winter day in 2003 I announced that I would be going on an international climbing trip (spending 2 1/2 weeks going to Thailand) where mutual partners and friends (male and female) would be present.  I shared a bungalow with a revolving set of “roommates” for a few days under just these circumstances. 

Today I appreciate my wife taking this situation with a “grain of salt” and begrudgingly accepting that I was used to freely traveling with others before we met… (and that it should not be universally condemned to do so again in the future going forward).

The other person/partner, who tolerated my food poisoning night-time fever in Thailand (and who my wife still jabs me about today) recently visited our home with her long time “climber” husband and had a wonderful brunch 20 years later. I felt this was a great way to gain closure on the situation in hindsight.

FrankPS wrote:

I think it is wrong to put your partner in this position. In this case, your boyfriend putting you in the "don't you trust me?" position.

Just because it's OK with your partner doesn't mean it should be OK with you.  Don't go on an overnight trip with a partner of the opposite sex.

My two cents.

This is very insecure and immature to me. But if that's the type of relationship you and anybody else want to be in where two people don't really trust each other to be mature adults taking part in their hobby, that is of course your prerogative. 

You are well within your rights for being protective of your relationship here, shared experiences do create bonds. Being open and honest with each other is key as there is no right answer unfortunately. My husband doesn't share all of my stoke for ice climbing, mountain biking, ski mountaineering etc, so I do sometimes go with other partners. I try to communicate very clearly with him on these trips, check-in multiple times a day via cell or inReach. I also vet my partners with him first and have clear sleeping accommodations that we are both comfortable with for overnight stuff. In general, I exclusively climb with women, that is for my own safety, fun and out of respect for my husband as well. I have been in both shoes here and I understand where you are coming from. If you aren't comfortable you have to really dig deep and ask yourself why, that may help guide you. Whatever you do decide, stand your ground, stand up for yourself and your reasoning behind it. Best of luck. 

Cosmic Hotdog wrote:

This is very insecure and immature to me. But if that's the type of relationship you and anybody else want to be in where two people don't really trust each other to be mature adults taking part in their hobby, that is of course your prerogative. 

This is an expected response. Where your way of looking at it is right and any other way is wrong. That is also immature.

I ran your scenario past my wife and she said, “she might trust her SO, but does she trust the woman?”        

Bale wrote:

I ran your scenario past my wife and she said, “she might trust her SO, but does she trust the woman?”        

Bale, how did you convince your wife your last infidelity was the other woman’s fault? Pretty cool trick. 

I don’t trust lots of people to protect my relationship, but I do trust my SO to sort them out on her own.

“Why does no one focus on the billions of people I haven’t cheated on my significant other with……

and keep bringing up the three I have?”

sent you a DM

I'm going to approach this a little differently. 

If you're relationship is your top priority, then it follows that all else comes after, including belaytionships, climbing, and international travel. 

You have to make a decision to be in a relationship, and that includes letting go of the benafits of being single and gaining the benafits of a stable relationship. You can't have your cake and eat it too. 

Talk to him about how it makes you feel and ask for what you want and how to work together as a team to make that happen. I might suggest a good "want" is to feel "emotionally safe" . How you achieve that will very wildly by who you ask. 

This goes both ways, his emotional will being likely includes some level of trust, and independence. 

Just the thoughts of someone who nearly destroyed their marriage by trying to have his cake and eat it too. 

Rprops wrote:

Bale, how did you convince your wife your last infidelity was the other woman’s fault? Pretty cool trick. 

Wow! Hope you were wearing a parachute for that jump to conclusion! Just relating what my wife said, and I thought it was a fair point. Obviously it takes two to tango.

My 2 cents as a female climber with a non-climbing husband, I really appreciate that he trusts me and my climbing partners to take trips together. His perspective is that if I were going to cheat or leave him (I'm not), I could do that just as easily with or without a climbing trip. I have many climbing partners, mostly women but some men too, and I've taken overnight trips with male partners. I've stayed in tents, cabins, a van, and hotel rooms with other partners who, in another life, I might have dated. But at this point, it's just logistics. There are good reasons why I married my husband and not someone else. I'm sure there are good reasons why your bf is romantically attached to you and not his climbing partner. 

Bale wrote:

Wow! Hope you were wearing a parachute for that jump to conclusion! Just relating what my wife said, and I thought it was a fair point. Obviously it takes two to tango.

Jokes. All jokes.  
…but which is it…does it take two to tango or does she have a fair point?

Rprops wrote:

Jokes. All jokes.  
…but which is it…does it take two to tango or does she have a fair point?

Jokes? I thought this thread was semi- serious. To answer your question: both, DUH!  

I climb with who I trust…my wife trusts me…and she knows I would never cheat on her…not matter what…I am honest with people… my word is all I have… I take it very seriously

Should you trust your SO? I don’t think anybody can answer that question but you…I do wish you the best

L Kap wrote:

My 2 cents as a female climber with a non-climbing husband, I really appreciate that he trusts me and my climbing partners to take trips together. His perspective is that if I were going to cheat or leave him (I'm not), I could do that just as easily with or without a climbing trip. I have many climbing partners, mostly women but some men too, and I've taken overnight trips with male partners. I've stayed in tents, cabins, a van, and hotel rooms with other partners who, in another life, I might have dated. But at this point, it's just logistics. There are good reasons why I married my husband and not someone else. I'm sure there are good reasons why your bf is romantically attached to you and not his climbing partner. 

I have the same .02 as a female with a non climbing partner. 

my 2 cents as well.
my main climbing partner is a woman.
we have done many overnights and many international trips up to a week.
we are both married with kids (not with each others!) 

Both our partners are ok with it. They don’t climb and let us go on our little adventures (like they call it)

Nothing ever happened and will happened and we all know that.

that being said if I want to play devil advocate it’s true we may not share every single little details about what is happening (like the fact we shared a sleeping bag a few times or that we skinnydip in mountain lakes…).
It’s also true that my climbing partner and I do share a special bond with each other due to some intense experiences in the mountain and that when we meet the 4 of us we don’t overshare about our mountain trips or time at the climbing gym so they don’t feel excluded from the conversation, coz we could rant about it all night.

i guess it depends where you put the finger on what constitute « cheating ». 

I love my wife and kid. I love my time climbing with Em but I don’t love HER.