(Keep) Climbing AND have kids

Hey,

So I'm getting to that point in life where kids, if they are going to happen (i.e. be produced, incubated & born), are going to have to happen at some point in the next number of years. Where/how climbing fits in all this is part of the thinking about the issue, for me. I'd really like this to NOT turn into to kid or not to kid question and NOT about how do I get them to like climbing, but keep things pretty focused on one aspect:

Is it possible for an hopelessly addicted climber to remain satisfied, from a climbing perspective, while also having kids/being a parent? (feel free to elaborate on the theme).

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Because this is pretty broad, just a couple personal thoughts on the issue...

Obviously depends on what being satisfied as a climber means. I wanna keep improving. I want to engage in new projects and things, I need my fix a few times a week, at least indoor if nothing else. I wanna be able to leave for weeks (preferably months) to go on trips. I'm fine adapting and sacrificing things sometimes, but not all the times. I need some trad. Ideally some multi-pitch. Definitely some sport. Bouldering? Well, if HAVE to... but not JUST that. Not even MOSTLY that. You get the idea.

I suppose some people would say well, if you have kids, you can have new climbing partners. I can see the point of that and I think I can see how this can be cool in a way that's quite unique. Like in 10 years or so. IF they pick up climbing. But my current preoccupations about being satisfied as a climber are more about the intermediate periods. Is it legal to haul-bag your kid up a pitch? Anyone with experience changing a diaper on a portaledge? What do you do if your 4 years old throws a trantrum and starts running away while 1 parent's on the sharp end and the other one is belaying? Or are you just NOT supposed to end up in that position to begin with? If not, then how do you manage to climb?

I'm sure some people make it work. Like people sail across oceans & bike around the world with kids. So why not climbing? I would definitely like to hear from you guys. Especially if your main climbing partner also happens to be your better half. Do you still climb together? Or does it tend to morph into "this week-end's yours, then the next one will be mine" kinda thing?

Are people who end up selling their cams & draws to get crash pads instead lazy wimps, or is it just really, really hard to keep leading once you have (young) kids? Do you have to be THE parents in a thousand to make it work (and/or be a pro climber who's job it is to climb)? Or do I just happen to not have that many examples around me that I can look up to and think yeah, I'd be satisfied climbing-wise if it were me, but there are many out there making it work in real life?

Sounds like the kind of conversation you should have with your wife.

FrankPS wrote: Sounds like the kind of conversation you should have with your wife.

Well of course. I don't see how that's mutually exclusive with asking people who have walked down that road already. We've never been parents, so we're pretty useless about figuring out what this looks like in practice. Like real life, when the tires hit the ground sort of things.

Here's the thing: Don't have kids expecting your life not to change dramatically. It will. For better and for worse.

Having kids means having babies. Babies, IMO, aren't that compatible with a lot of the things that go with rock climbing. I know you're joking about changing a diaper on a portaledge but a lot of people really seem surprised that you can't, for example, head up a multpitch with your baby in a Baby Bjorn. Be ready to really scale it back for a couple years if climbing is your twice a week obsession.

Older kids, however, are great climbing partners and will bring you a whole new perspective on life and the outdoors. 

We don’t have kids. I still don’t get out as much as I’d like. Lots of my friends do have kids. They have given up nearly a decade of adventuring and climbing. They get out less than 5 times per year. This will increase as their progeny get older, but something to think about. You will basically  have to give it up (in relation to what you describe as your goals). There are enough humans on Earth. Consider not having children.

Depends on whether or not you care about being a good parent

Short answer:  No.

Derrick W wrote: Depends on whether or not you care about being a good parent

I know you're half kidding, but for the not-kidding half that's an interesting thought.

But then I think that depends how you define being a good parent. On the one hand, I think we're wayyyyyyy into the over-parenting if I look around me and think back about how my parents raised us and how they talk about when we were young. So on the one hand, you can probably cut a lot of the fat and still be a pretty good parent. Not driving your kids to hockey tournaments every week-end doesn't imply not being a good parent. I don't see why the activity would HAVE to be some child-centric activity. It could outdoors family time (with climbing of course, in whatever shape or form that can realistically take), with some camping etc...

On the other hand, driving to the crag to climb while you just plug your toddler on a tablet so you can work your project probably isn't great parenting either, especially if you end up doing that most week-end....

So the short answer, as Numsie said, is “no.”  You’re obviously not going to have the same amount of free time as you did before.  Every life decision brings trade-offs; for some people, the only way to be “satisfied” from a climbing perspective is to live out of a van.  The question is whether you can live with tempering your climbing satisfaction in exchange for having kids. For this to work, the answer needs to be “yes,” or else you will resent them and be a shitty parent.  Know that you will never get to climb “enough” or as hard as you’d like when the kids are young, but you will climb, if you work it out.  Kids grow older, and it gets easier.  Having support is helpful...mothers/fathers/in-laws in close proximity are a plus, as would be living close enough to real rock where you can get in and out quickly.  I have a 3 year old and I get out around once or twice a month.  It’s not enough for me to feel satisfied, but it’s enough to keep me sane, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I'm almost 40, my wife and I decided not to have kids. Zero regrets. I travel and climb as much as I like. You probably know in your gut if kids are for you or not. Listen to that inner voice

Just stop being selfish take in a refugee child

You can make it work but it requires planning. I remain satisfied when i can get to the gym twice a week (i supplement this with hangboard training at home) and get the chance to climb outside once a week. Daughter is only 7 months old and so far it has worked for us but we need to be on schedule. It does help a lot when the mother of your child is also a climber though.

I knew i was going to have a baby and tried to get things sorted out years ahead of time in order to maximize time outdoors with the family when the time came. This meant moving closer to climbing and us finding jobs with good PTO and same days off. We did this not only because of our passion for climbing, but because we want our daughter to grow up loving and appreciating the same things my wife and i do.

Ted Pinson wrote: So the short answer, as Numsie said, is “no.”  You’re obviously not going to have the same amount of free time as you did before.  Every life decision brings trade-offs; for some people, the only way to be “satisfied” from a climbing perspective is to live out of a van.  The question is whether you can live with tempering your climbing satisfaction in exchange for having kids. For this to work, the answer needs to be “yes,” or else you will resent them and be a shitty parent.  Know that you will never get to climb “enough” or as hard as you’d like when the kids are young, but you will climb, if you work it out.  Kids grow older, and it gets easier.  Having support is helpful...mothers/fathers/in-laws in close proximity are a plus, as would be living close enough to real rock where you can get in and out quickly.  I have a 3 year old and I get out around once or twice a month.  It’s not enough for me to feel satisfied, but it’s enough to keep me sane, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Have a 3 year old and a 6 month old. 100% agree with Ted. You can climb, but it will not be the same type of climbing as before. My wife and i literally used to climb every weekend and also play hooky from work during sending season a few days a week. That is no longer in the cards for the time being. 

Every climbing parent finds their own ways to work through it...being in Chicago with the closest real rock at least 3 hours away meant outdoor climbing was basically not happening on a regular basis. Outdoor roped climbing was also too time consuming so focued on bouldering, swaped outdoor for gym (can get wrecked on a moon board in an hour or less to be home to help with kids) focus on training as hard as possible for the few hall passes i get a year (spring/fall) and be hyper focused on my outdoor projecting efforts. It has worked in the sense that i am climbing much harder then i was before, but it is definitely different in the sense that your outdoor climbing is no longer just hanging out... it is more a mission and you always feel the pressure of the clock. That said, it is what it is and fighting it will just make u angry and resentful toward ur family and 100% impact ur relationship with ur kids and wife. 

Dont get me wrong... we still get outside almost every weekend and my wife is a trooper willing to camp even with 6 month old waking up 5+ times a night... but we certainly are not climbing when we get out and are sometimes lucky if we even leave the campground at all. That said, we always bring pads and try to climb one or two problems but most if the time we dont even get to do that between the kids meals, hiking with them, nap times, tantrums, and everything else. You have to be ok with that or it is going to be a rough adjustment.

Finally, if you are committed to doing it... having a climbing partner helps and the best way to do it is to find a group of other climbing parents. That is the most difficult thing about living in the midwest for us as there is not a lot of climbing parents, less willing to drive 3 hours and then even less to do it with kids. If you can find a group such that u can swap shifts watching the kids or just take turns between burns then it makes it 1mm times easier to find the balance between working hard and still being there for family. 

I'll give you the same advice my dad gave me: "There is no limit of what they can do, it comes down to what you're willing to do." This has been my experience...my daughter is now 3, my wife climbed through 9 months into her pregnancy...by then it was just top-roping. I think the kiddo was 2 months old the first time we took her camping, and she started climbing right around the same time she could walk. She just did her first multi-pitch a couple of weeks ago. It's been awesome. You can probably do all the climbing you want, its just harder. Its more work to get outside for sure, but its totally do-able. She's been to the Creek, Hueco Tanks, Cochise Stronghold, and all over Colorado. You just got to fight for it. Gym's are awesome, and more gyms are offering super cheap on-site day care. Climbing classes start at 2 and half years old up at ABC Kids. You can do it, its totally rad, your life changes for sure, but its just more adventure. 

I have two boys—six and nine years-old.  They’ve been tagging along to the crag with me since they were a year old, and although I’ve had to scale it back a fair amount, my days on the rock haven’t decreased by a whole lot; just the number of hours I spend climbing on the days they join me.  Sure, I may only get six pitches in on any given day out with my boys, but I typically try to make those pitches count.  I’ve gone from a “quantity” mindset to one of “quality”.  That simple shift in perspective has made an enormously positive impact on me as an active parent—I’ve actually become a better climber now that I have children.  Also, find other climbing parents, and forge some strong bonds with them.  Having a tribe eases a lot of stress—believe me!

It’s also paramount to remember that it’s not just your life anymore; your children may not love/like climbing at all, so be ready to learn and love an assortment of activities for their benefit; thrusting the same activity on them ad nauseam is a lesson in impending disaster. 

Franck Vee wrote:

 Not driving your kids to hockey tournaments every week-end doesn't imply not being a good parent. I don't see why the activity would HAVE to be some child-centric activity. It could outdoors family time (with climbing of course, in whatever shape or form that can realistically take), with some camping etc...

       So I was in your exact shoes 9 years ago. Now I have 8 and 6 year old. My wife was my main climbing partner forever until we had kids, we still climb but not together as much as we'd like. I think the biggest factors in climbing after kids are location (convenience & access), finding partners and your career's. My wife has the year round career in the family and that makes it difficult to find time for family AND climbing regularly. 

       You CAN do non child-centric activities but you will question yourself after discovering how difficult they are with kids sometimes. That being said we take several climbing trips a year (which most all have swimming nearby because that's what the kids love to do...) and I have cragging right out my front door.  My kids climb sometimes, but aren't overly interested in it yet. I just keep hoping for the spark. Regardless, being a father is the most incredible journey I have ever been on and I can't imagine not having my amazing little family. Whatever choice you make is fine, I suppose just being on the same page is key...

Make them be crag babies

Everyone loves a crag baby

I have 2 grown kids and climbed for 52 years before having to quit climbing
due to a cumulation of injuries that finally caught up to me.
Kids never stopped me from climbing, injuries did.

whenever i think about whether having kids would affect my climbing, i look to Rob Pizm for inspiration. That dude is a pro climber who puts up tons of FAs in Zion, a full time school teacher, youth climbing team coach at his local gym, is married, and has kids. Not saying this is possible for everyone, but it just puts a lot into perspective for me about time allocation.

but I have also always thought if i ever decide to have kids, i would have to have a mini home gym to be able to make it work. maybe just a hangboard, some weights, a woodie, and maybe some campus rungs too.

hope it works out for you.

Longer answer:
Kids automatically change your priorities, you notice it but you largely don't mind because your universe expands immensely with them.
Until they are old enough to not die in a chilly tent, camping is out. Then, it returns in phases as the child grows older, depending on the needs of the child. A colicky baby is a longer delay. You have to add safety monitoring and a clean area to all the regular camp chores.
They really can't actually climb  until 5 at the earliest.
Meanwhile, a lot of weekend time turns into museums, zoos, amusement parks, play dates, birthday parties.
This all becomes something you don't mind.
But you will still hold climbing in your heart and will find ways to get over the hurdles to get out, but they will be more limited.
There's also the element of fiscal responsibility, and with that the additional devotion to work.

My children came out with me on a mandatory basis when they were young. One hated climbing/being outdoors from day one; the other enjoyed it. They are people, and as in life may or may not align with you.

My daughter had a long run of 6 years of girls lacrosse ending with high school. Her team developed a bitter rivalry with another team and they'd meet in playoffs at least twice every year. I would not trade how fun the battles they had in their 7th and 8th grade years for my best day of climbing. There is something about watching your child succeed that surpasses your own needs.

Here's a fresh parent perspective. Prior to kids, I Needed to climb at least 2x a week; preferably at least once a week outdoors. This Need still hasn't changed and i have made it happen. It helps that my husband also climbs, and totally understands my itch.
I gave birth to twins this January. I climbed up until December, probably would have kept going if I wasn't so huge, but I was really over any physical activity at that point.
Resumed climbing in March, and I am pretty sure I am almost back to my pre-pregnancy strength.

What has changed now:
- Indoor bouldering sessions used to be 7-930pm 2x a week. Now it's 1x a week 7-830pm and being super efficient, no socializing climbing. And a fingerboard session at home if I am not too lazy. My husband and I swap nights being home with the kids.
- Outdoors: I used to climb outside on both Sat & Sun. Now it's at least 1x a week. My parents can watch the kids for a few hours, or husband and I can swap days going out, or we have bought them to the crag (way less efficient, but we have friends who are happy to help watch the kids so it's doable, and its cute bringing your own kids to the crags). Also, we try to be good parents and cut short our climbing time so if we are both gone from home to climb and my parents are watching, we try to rush home instead of staying out of the crag all day so we can put them to bed or only climb for a few hours.

What really helps is having parents close by to help you watch the babies, having climbing friends and baby safe crags who don't mind belaying you while your husband watches the babies, and a spouse that climbs.

What we have had to sacrifice is weekend getaway roadtrips. Babies need a schedule, and food and comfort . I am not going to drag my babies into multi-day climbing trips to sketchy trad crags, 40 min approaches, alpine climbing (actually its impossible). Luckily, I have awesome parents and in laws that don't mind if we go on 3-4 day climbing trips while they watch the babies; but we definitely can't do as much as we used to.