When your partner isn't your partner: How to balance climbing in a relationship

Yes, I have a relationship where my partner is not my regular outdoor partner.  He used to climb regularly when we met, and was my climbing teacher and mentor for about 2 years, but then quit it to pursue other interests.  From the perspective of my own climbing and indeed my personal development, this turned out to be an overwhelmingly positive thing.  
For sure, during the 15 or so years that I was obsessed with climbing as much as possible, we didn't have much leisure time together.  We both worked very full time jobs and I then was gone climbing 3 weekends a month.  But we're both very independent people so we wanted to make sure our needs as individuals, within the context of the relationship, were met.  The details of how we've made it work and are truely happy after 38 years together is a very long story.

But it sounds like your real conundrum is your "on the road" life, not him not being a climber.  You don't say why you are living this way but if the lifestyle is what's keeping you from having the time and means to climb, that may be what you need to work out first.

doligo wrote: ... men generally do grasp those things faster for some reason (took me a while to figure out how the cams were supposed to work and I come from math and engineering background). ...

climbing friend,

microagression!

also the cams they are quite simple to operate.

all your cam are belong to me!

Old lady H wrote:

We don't have it "wired", that's far too much work. We do, however, muddle along just fine, after forty years....you learn. Sorta.

This isn't just climbing, it's everything. Who gets grad school and when, what career is/isn't on hold, moving to a new town, who is healthy and can mow the lawn this week. All of it is a compromise, best to do those voluntarily when you can. Plenty of it, you will have no choice but to make the best of it.

You, Lori, should be living your own life now and having fun. No apologies to anyone, if you are no longer tied to real obligations. You wanna dirt bag full time? That's your call, until they get custody of you and lock ya up! (We'll sneak in a file in a cake if that happens, eh?)

Best, Helen

Words of wisdom, Helen! I had many years of marriage, also...but now the prospect of wide open freedom. Took this picture this morning...how apropos! (I feel ya on the D&D :)

I have a partner who doesn't climb. Interestingly, I also climb with 5 other women who are the climbers in their relationships. Hard to believe that our group exists! but I digress....

I have never tried to get my partner "into" climbing . Ever. After watching climber men dragging their not-so-psyched love interests up routes for more than a decade now, I easily decided to completely avoid that shit. He used to come along sometimes on my cragging days and hang out/go off and shoot photos, especially when we first moved to a new state, but now he rarely does. I'm good either way. In fact, it's pretty awesome when he decides to have dinner ready when I come home from a long day!   

It's true that you may get more climbing in when you are dating another climber, but at least for me, I often found this type of climbing to be less enjoyable than the climbing I did with just a regular partner. That said, I never really saw myself with a non-climber per se, but it works for me since he is totally supportive of my climbing time and has no jealousy toward male partners, even if I go on multi-day trips. I'm the happiest I've ever been (in a relationship), and it's based not on climbing plans but on our similar values, goals, need for separate identities, and mutual respect. (Also the fact that he's given up band life--some time before me--cause not sure I could handle that!   ) We have somewhat wildly different interests yet we have so many things we enjoy doing together as well that it completely bridges any gaps.

All of this is predicated on where you are in life. I spent many years climbing a lot, sometimes fancy free, sometimes attached to another climber. While in grad school, I deluded myself into believing that I wanted a boyfriend (vs, say, a friend who was a boy) but between the considerable limits on my time and the high drive to climb as much as I could, I consistently put myself and my freedom at the top of my priorities. Didn't matter if it was a climbing boy or not in my life. I eventually had to admit that no, I did not want a boyfriend right then... period. I wanted to do what I wanted for a while still, particularly with so little time on my hands to start with. Making accommodations was just not something I wished to do during those years. It doesn't matter which scenario and mental space you are in, it's not a judgment, you just have to become clear about it and be honest with yourself about your choices and decisions thereafter.

Aleks Zebastian wrote:

climbing friend,

microagression!

also the cams they are quite simple to operate.

all your cam are belong to me!

Haha, Aleks, I know! I got censored for woman-splaining on another thread.  Yes, I'm embarrassed to say that I could not conceptualize how the widgets worked until I saw them actually in action. Also, I thought you didn't care for gear climbing.

You will get so many different kinds of advice about relationships and the answers will change when you ask in different places. If you ask in a group that is about sports many people will say that the sport is so important and that you must share it or you will not stay together.

It is not true that you must have a hobby that must be shared for the relationship to be strong.  I can tell you that where I am from there is no time or money for these fun things like climbing. But so many couples share a lifetime and are happy together even to the day they die.    It is beautiful to see that kind of love and it happens all the time even though there is no sport or hobby shared by the couple.

And how do you talk of relationships with no mention of family? For many people who love, family is all that is important.

doligo wrote: Haha, Aleks, I know! I got censored for woman-splaining on another thread.  Yes, I'm embarrassed to say that I could not conceptualize how the widgets worked until I saw them actually in action. Also, I thought you didn't care for gear climbing.

climbing friend,

I do love me the bold terror flash of gear fondling type, and to climb for crack, even if works not my considerable musculature (hulking guns) to maximum crushing capacity and beyond at all times!

Yes it is difficult for imagination the partner who does not grasp the climbing rocks. However, maybe it is worth it if your relationship is quite good. At least you would not be bizarre couple who they are climbing together all the time, nothing else, awkwardly expressing at the climbing rocks their pent up bitterness, resentment, and dissatisfaction with impermanent, insecure nature of life, desire for relations of sexual type, and grasping concept of "the other" to "make them happy."

"Take"
"Cmon, keep going"
"I said TAKE!!!"
...
"I'm in direct"
"Fine, I'm taking you off belay (so you would be sitting there for a while and do your thinking on this, ha ha, ho ho)"

All your dubious relationship decision are belong to me

Lori Milas wrote: Rachel, So glad you started this conversation.  All the comments have helped me, too!  There is a difference between a husband or life-partner who you are deeply committed to and where you just have to hammer out some scheduling details,  verses a person where you may already be on the fence and feeling stifled.  I met my boyfriend when I was still discovering some freedom and 'finding myself'.  He thought my climbing was great, until he realized it was going to be a big part of my life.  He learned how to belay me, but thought once a month at the climbing gym should be more than enough. He went to Joshua Tree with me a few times, but became angry and hated it.  So, that's a problem.
Now I am traveling alone, and climbing completely alone, and he grimaces when the subject of climbing comes up--so I never mention it.  Our relationship is all but over, we just haven't made it official yet.   It's not fair to expect him to love this stuff when he really prefers to be sedentary and is a homebody, but it's also not fair to ask me to stay home on weekends and watch TV.
So, bottom line... you have to evaluate how much the relationship means to you, and whether you still have enough in common that you can both make some compromises.  
Yes, to rgold!

Edit: one other thought: knowing that I will probably be without a boyfriend soon, I have wondered what the future may hold. Honestly, I'm not sure how I'd be with someone who was completely obsessed with climbing!  I would probably fall way behind, not be able to keep up... and I also want balance in my life.  Movies, books, politics... date nights, and weekends now and then just vegging... what it this new rock climbing guru just wanted to climb, climb, climb?  So... .it might be hard to find an exact match.  Maybe love and caring for the other person comes first... climbing a distant second.  

Hi, Lori. Your situation sounds very familiar (not my current relationship, FYI. I'm happily married to my climbing partner). Did your now-ex struggle a bit on the rocks in Joshua Tree? From my experience, a lot of men who gave up climbing and got angry because they think climbing either comes naturally or doesn't, I think it's an ego thing.  That's why he probably got angry. Women seem to recognize the struggle and dabble with things longer.  And it's not true to climbing only - a lot of my female ski friends are all about taking ski lessons (eventhough they totally shred), and every guy who's ever been suggested to take a ski lesson has poo-pooed at the idea (unless they're in the industry).

Also, I do not think this was mentioned, but it is important to think about what your partner's interests are. Is he posting on a white water forum right now saying the same thing about you not being interested in paddling? Maybe he's more into mountain biking or skiing? Who knows. But generally outdoor oriented couples and relationships can be a give and take between many really fun hobbies--climbing isn't the only one--and its important to find balance. In fact some couples I know who are not both totally committed to climbing find solace in being equally devoted to different sports and it works for them. For example, I know a couple who split last weekend to independently enjoy their favorite sports: one chasing some late spring skiing and the other getting after some perfect climbing conditions. They were both happy knowing they go after their sports. Alternatively, balance could be found in dabbling in his sports while he dabbles in yours, both compromising to each other so you can spend more time together. Your main passions or objectives may require solo trips but casual Saturdays at a crag or other sport location can be nice. All sports have their mellowed down version. Perhaps you don't like paddling serious rivers but you're more than content to drink some beers floating along a lake. Maybe big mountain climbing objectives aren't his thing, but you can easily find some pleasant spots to enjoy cragging or TRing in a beautiful easy setting.

One key is to make sure one partner is not left behind bored because the other is constantly going after their hobbies independently. The stay-at-home SO syndrome doesn't make anyone feel good.

Dylan B. wrote:

Man, you’re just chock full of gender stereotypes, aren’t ya?

Fair enough, I rewrote it (I like how you took my words out of context). Full disclaimer, it's just my honest observation on my limited pool of people I know or I had close relationships with. But your point is well taken, now that I think about it, I know one female who gave up climbing and decided she "hated" it because it wasn't as easy anymore.

I believe rgold and lena have summed it quite nicely; time and situations and people change.
It might not be on your radar yet, but one day it could go something like baby vs climbing.

I have run the gammit from the bf who didn't fall in love with climbing to the man that didn't want to crag anymore so only climbed with his big wall buddies to the man who had given up climbing and then dated the guy who thought the only reason to hike was to get to the crag; I'm not with any of them now. There is no right answer and the unknown is a beautiful and terrible thing simultaneously. I also believe having multiple fun activities are optimal and healthy for people.

If you want to date a climber, as a lady the odds are good you'll get the bf, just remember the goods are odd  ; )
A good laugh always helps!

Toria V wrote:the guy who thought the only reason to hike was to get to the crag

Wait, there are other reasons climbers hike? J/k.

Everyone only gets 1 life, it's hard to say 1 extreme or the other or anywhere along the spectrum is the right way to live: Not enamored w/ the traveling life of world class climbers? Well, it takes a particularly driven personality that most don't have. Think someone's missing out on the obscure things you've done or places you've visited? Lots of people find that boring. Etc, etc.

This post violated Guideline #1 and has been removed.

Holy Moly, my post saying we're required, in the current state, to pretend there are no differences between the genders...violated guideline #1?

Interesting place this is evolving into.  How is that being a jerk?

EDIT:  Just realized this was in the Woman's Forum - I believe the scrutiny/moderation is a little higher here, given the general atmosphere on the forums as a whole.  Makes more sense.

Lena chita wrote: 

We have all seen the scenario: A guy has a project at some crag. His girlfriend comes along. She is a newer/occasional climber, and there is nothing for her to climb at this crag. But the guy is stoked, and so are his buddies. They set up toprope on the easiest climb at the crag for the girl when they climb it as their warmup, and then get on their project. She topropes it, with a lot of hanging, maybe once or twice. Or maybe they didn't even have that easy climb, and just tell her to get on the bottom of whatever they are working. She doesn't do well, climbing-wise, but she is fine with trying the bottom 10 feet twice, or not climbing at all. She has a tablet that she brought along, to help with the boredom. And she is having a good time, just hanging out there with her BF and his buddies, even if she is not climbing much.

^ This. I think I would ask myself 2 questions:

1 - Is this person someone I would (other than the climbing issue) see myself spending the rest of my life with?
2 - I am pretty sure that climbing will remain a central part of my life (barring unpredictable events/accidents)?

What to do? Well, my humble advice (admittedly I'm in the very fortunate position of having someone who's pretty much as stoked about climbing as I am).... If the answers are "Yes", it means you're in for the long run for both climbing & your SO. Therefore start thinking long term about it.

THE GOAL: Having your SO genuinely interested in some sort of aspects of climbing

THE TOOLS:

• Whatever your SO currently loves & does that can be somewhat associated with climbing. This could be broader than you think:
  • Visiting new places. Doesn't have to be for climbing (but hopefully those new places include middle-of-nowhere locations where one tends to go to for climbing outdoors).
  • Outdoors activities - camping, hiking, mountain biking, canoe....
  • Any personality traits that can be useful/compatible with climbing. Competitive? Meditative? Somewhat introvert? Group person?
  • Fears - more to avoid than to use, but if someone is scared of heights, perhaps shorter boulders are a better way to go on about it than multi-pitches...

What I would consider is to figure out ways to use those tools as a priority to create some sort of positive vibe about climbing in general. This does mean prioritizing that over whatever it is you would prefer to be doing in terms of climbing. A couple examples:

• Going to somewhat more crowded crags with lots of easier climbs, even if there isn't much to challenge you there. Trying to avoid the scenario Lena described...
• Going bouldering instead of sport of trading or multi pitch or whatever it is you would normally be doing. Or consider playing guide on easy multi pitches (assuming you have the ability) if that's what will impress your SO the most, even though you personally tend to be more into hard single-pitch.
• Avoiding longer climbing trips/happening or forgoing shorter/less impressive trips, depending on the tools at your disposal. Maybe this means going to lesser crags (for you) but that are closer, shorter approaches etc. Or this may mean not wasting your "climbing capital" into one-day climbing activities if your SO is more likely to enjoy a longer-term trip (perhaps with stuff other than climbing mixted in).
• Don't emphasis so much going on a "climbing trip" or "climbing holiday". Make it a outdoors holiday, or visiting holiday or whatever tool above is at your disposal. Of course you're still including climbing in the mixt, but maybe if going for a 2 weeks vacations, plan on climbing half the time & with the rest of the time include an activity your SO enjoys a lot. Maybe alternating is better than doing just one & then just the other...

Changing minds & behavior does take time and commitment. Maybe you need to make this a yearlong project, where your own climbing may be put on the back burner. However, in the big scheme of things, if you're truly in for the long run for both your SO & climbing, you should be able to reason yourself into this. A number of things may set you back for quite a few months/year in your climbing, but then whatever happens this year in your climbing wouldn't have to affect your climbing so much in 5 years - chances are you can climb then more or less the same things regardless of what you do or don't do this year. A few years ago, I moved to a place where I couldn't really climb and I didn't touch rocks for more or less 2 full years. Yet 2 more years later, I have never climbed that hard nor that well, getting back all that I had lost when I moved & then some. Maybe there's even a target of opportunity in this? Perhaps even though the climbing itself for the next little while may be less what you would usually prefer, you could take more time to train for example. You only need a couple session now & then and the time you save going to crags more often can be re-invested into training for when (hopefully) your SO gets genuilely stoked about climbing and you can move back closer to your ideal climbing program. Perhaps also you can focuse on different styles of climbings and discover you actually enjoy those more than you thought, or perhaps they will complement your current climbing capacities and make you a better climber in the long run...

señdera la reina wrote: It is not true that you must have a hobby that must be shared for the relationship to be strong.  I can tell you that where I am from there is no time or money for these fun things like climbing. But so many couples share a lifetime and are happy together even to the day they die.    It is beautiful to see that kind of love and it happens all the time even though there is no sport or hobby shared by the couple.

That's worth keeping in mind indeed.... the issue about outdoor climbing I find though is that unless you're close to a great outdoor crag, it just takes lots of time. In my view it is a bit different from other sports (say, cycling, or basketball etc.), which you have a better shot at practicing without having to invest whole days just to get to the damned place!

señdera la reina wrote: 
It is not true that you must have a hobby that must be shared for the relationship to be strong.  I can tell you that where I am from there is no time or money for these fun things like climbing. But so many couples share a lifetime and are happy together even to the day they die.    It is beautiful to see that kind of love and it happens all the time even though there is no sport or hobby shared by the couple.

And how do you talk of relationships with no mention of family? For many people who love, family is all that is important.

I told myself that I wouldn't respond to a troll... but I do think this point is worth responding to, even if posted by a troll.

It is true that US is different from some other parts of the world, in a sense that the idea of "hobbies" and "leisure activities" is something that is more applicable to developed world. But the original poster is an American, I believe, so response to her is in this cultural context.

Sure, even in US, the pursuit of hobbies/ fancy leisure activities is far from universal. There are plenty of people out there who want nothing more from life than come home from work, drink beer and watch TV with their SO. Throw in some outings to a local bar or family restaurant, backyard BBQs, a game of cornhole... a couple of kids... and life is great. If this is your view of perfect happiness, and you found a life partner who wants the same things... wonderful!

That is not what OP views as happiness, so it is beside the point that for many people it is a perfectly happy life.

And the issue with climbing is that it is a pursuit that takes you away from your non-climbing spouse for significant chunks of time, and if you enjoy climbing outdoors, you have to go where the rocks are. It isn't just a book club that you go to once a month on a Sunday afternoon, a weekly board game night, not even a yoga practice that is part of your daily routine (I know people who do yoga 7 days a week... but that is still only couple hours of their day). If you, like many weekend warriors on this site, live more than couple hours away from good outdoor climbing, if your idea of normal climbing schedule is to go to the gym 2 weeknights, and then drive Friday night to an outdoor climbing destination for the weekend, that means 5 nights a week when you are not spending time with your SO, and only 2 nights a week when you have time to do something with them. Forget doing something fancy or special, we are talking just spending time with them.

Lena chita wrote:

I told myself that I wouldn't respond to a troll... but I do think this point is worth responding to, even if posted by a troll.

It is true that US is different from some other parts of the world, in a sense that the idea of "hobbies" and "leisure activities" is something that is more applicable to developed world. But the original poster is an American, I believe, so response to her is in this cultural context.

Sure, even in US, the pursuit of hobbies/ fancy leisure activities is far from universal. There are plenty of people out there who want nothing more from life than come home from work, drink beer and watch TV with their SO. Throw in some outings to a local bar or family restaurant, backyard BBQs, a game of cornhole... a couple of kids... and life is great. If this is your view of perfect happiness, and you found a life partner who wants the same things... wonderful!

That is not what OP views as happiness, so it is beside the point that for many people it is a perfectly happy life.

And the issue with climbing is that it is a pursuit that takes you away from your non-climbing spouse for significant chunks of time, and if you enjoy climbing outdoors, you have to go where the rocks are. It isn't just a book club that you go to once a month on a Sunday afternoon, a weekly board game night, not even a yoga practice that is part of your daily routine (I know people who do yoga 7 days a week... but that is still only couple hours of their day). If you, like many weekend warriors on this site, live more than couple hours away from good outdoor climbing, if your idea of normal climbing schedule is to go to the gym 2 weeknights, and then drive Friday night to an outdoor climbing destination for the weekend, that means 5 nights a week when you are not spending time with your SO, and only 2 nights a week when you have time to do something with them. Forget doing something fancy or special, we are talking just spending time with them.

I do not know how you are sure what the OP views as happiness from just a few sentences that she has said here.  For me I only try to admire those who have lived full and good lives.  And for many these are simple lives of love and commitment.  I see in your words there is condescending about such people.

All these words about days of the week and the different hobbys and the schedule do not say anything about what is in a person's heart.  That is where we find happiness.

Rachel Peterson wrote: OK Ladies, I have a conundrum and would love your input and stories. I am in a wonderful relationship with a man I adore, but a big issue that's come up is that he doesn't share my love of climbing. We travel constantly and are on the road and I'm finding it very difficult to find a way to work in time to pursue climbing. Climbing to me is my passion and necessary for my happiness and mental health. We love spending time together, but despite my best efforts (including encouragement and even buying him shoes and harness) he has no interest in pursuing climbing.

Does anyone else have a relationship like this? How do you find balance without it being something that comes between you?

Rachel, what is the part where you feel out of balance? Is it that your significant other doesn't climb and isn't interested? Or is it that you feel the need for a close climbing partner relationship?

I'm married to a non-climber. We have other things we like to do together. She supports my climbing just like I support the things she's interested in that I'm not. Ultimately, having things that you're both passionate about OUTSIDE of your couple bubble is a good thing, as long as both people are secure enough and self-sufficient enough to be supportive rather than threatened by it. And, frankly, if your significant other is threatened by a sport, it was never meant to be. 

Lena chita wrote:

I told myself that I wouldn't respond to a troll... but I do think this point is worth responding to, even if posted by a troll.

It is true that US is different from some other parts of the world, in a sense that the idea of "hobbies" and "leisure activities" is something that is more applicable to developed world. But the original poster is an American, I believe, so response to her is in this cultural context.

Sure, even in US, the pursuit of hobbies/ fancy leisure activities is far from universal. There are plenty of people out there who want nothing more from life than come home from work, drink beer and watch TV with their SO. Throw in some outings to a local bar or family restaurant, backyard BBQs, a game of cornhole... a couple of kids... and life is great. If this is your view of perfect happiness, and you found a life partner who wants the same things... wonderful!

That is not what OP views as happiness, so it is beside the point that for many people it is a perfectly happy life.

And the issue with climbing is that it is a pursuit that takes you away from your non-climbing spouse for significant chunks of time, and if you enjoy climbing outdoors, you have to go where the rocks are. It isn't just a book club that you go to once a month on a Sunday afternoon, a weekly board game night, not even a yoga practice that is part of your daily routine (I know people who do yoga 7 days a week... but that is still only couple hours of their day). If you, like many weekend warriors on this site, live more than couple hours away from good outdoor climbing, if your idea of normal climbing schedule is to go to the gym 2 weeknights, and then drive Friday night to an outdoor climbing destination for the weekend, that means 5 nights a week when you are not spending time with your SO, and only 2 nights a week when you have time to do something with them. Forget doing something fancy or special, we are talking just spending time with them.

Even though this probably won’t save my relationship it has been so helpful to read these posts and empathize with the SO who really doesn’t know whether this climbing stuff has any end. Perhaps setting some boundaries, putting up a calendar, sticking to an agreed schedule that has some definition and limits will help the non climbing SO to relax a bit.  And unless there is an earthshaking requirement, be willing to give up a climbing night when SO needs you near.  Come to think of it, it must seem endless if he/she doesn’t know when he can count on you being there.