Climbing Women, a guide for the fellas

The following started as a reply to the "Murder a climber" weaksauce wankfest. The reply took on a life of it's own so I decided to give it it's own post.

Mostly this post is for the fellas, but ladies, you might be interested. This may be the rantings of a lunatic, while on the other hand, I may be so sane that I just blew your mind.

Climbers are a delusional bunch by and large. Most of them are totally unaware of their own delusion. Let's discuss a delusion linked to our reproductive urges.

Go to the bar, take the homeliest girl there, the one no-one notices or begrudgingly talks to because she's got a hot friend. Take this girl, put her in a sports bra, give her some testarosa's, and put her behind the wheel of a Tacoma. 93% of the guys reading this just got a wet spot even imagining such a beauty. This girl, in the climbing realm will be considered such a hottie that she may even begin to exhibit "cheerleader syndrome" or "popular girl social ineptitude malfeasance" well into her 30's or beyond.

However, a massive hotness upgrade doesn't always cause social dysfunction. In fact, it may not even affect the double X carrier in any appreciable ways. That question could be explored further but it really wouldn't add understanding to this subject. The idea I'm exploring is how climber guys view the ladies. I've come up with 5 basic stages, that most XY climbers will go through. I do believe that many will get stuck in certain stages and some events may actually revert us to other stages.

The full version of this will be published in the "The New England Journal of Psychiatric Medicine" next month.

Stage 1 - Super Hotness

Every single female within 200 meters of a climbing wall or 2 miles of climbable rock is a super hottie. Is she on a date night and wearing a rental harness? Super Hottie. Did she just send "Omaha Beach"? Super Hottie. Is she at the wall to pick up her kids from a birthday party? Super Hottie. Is she Katie Brown? Super Hottie.

There really is no time limit to this phase. It could go on from 6 months to 40+ years and I've seen both. At some point though, someone will open your eyes and explain to you that maybe, just maybe, you think all these girls are hot only because they climb.

Stage 2 - Denial

You vehemently deny the evidence. You rant and rave about how climbing women are the most beautiful in the world. You then insult the person who pointed this out to you, often questioning his sexuality, calling him a desperate loser, and of course pointing out the true beauties that climb as an example for what every single climber girl looks like.

Stage 3 -Pre acceptance

Your eyes begin to open and you see that yes, they are all just girls. A cross section of humanity, just like anywhere else (I should have said "anywhere loads of middle class white people gather"). This realization though is at constant war with your genitals which have been conditioned to pull you toward every female who might know the difference between a deadpoint and a redpoint.

Stage 4 - Rage

Your eyes are fully open at this point. You no longer see climber girls as hot, even the hot ones. You hate them. You know them for the crazy bullshit they pull on guys and you pick literally every opportunity to find fault in them. Even the ones that don't pull crazy bullshit. You are very proud that you have strayed from the pack (in the genital touching sense, otherwise, you're still a sheep).

Stage 5 - Acceptance

Girls are bitches, or the most wonderful creatures on the planet. A beast that can occupy both ends of this spectrum at the same time. They are beautiful, ugly, fat, skinny, weak, or honed whether they climb or not. You've come to understand this. No longer do you have rage but you're not unnaturally attracted to anything pink and warm with an REI membership either. At this point, life can once again move on. Buy yourself a beer, you've earned it.

John:

I see the light and believe! Simplify, get a beer, and possibly a dog.

"Viva la Evolution"

youtube.com/watch?v=IxAKFlp…

Do you know how much therapy this could have saved me (Not to mention money on Scotch) if you'd published this sooner...
After 14yrs of climbing I'd say I'm hovering somewhere between stage 4 and 5.

caughtinside wrote: I have no doubt. Maybe post a couple more times here. Say, every time the next inane thought goes through your head.

You are clearly in Stage 4 right now.

Gawd, I wish mp had nesting quotes.

that perfectly describes the college i went to.

caughtinside wrote: I have no doubt. Maybe post a couple more times here. Say, every time the next inane thought goes through your head.

LMAO.....on point

Oh, and I think that this photo illustrates the point of this thread perfectly. Look at it, guys. What is the first thought that pops to your head?

camhead wrote: You are clearly in Stage 4 right now. Gawd, I wish mp had nesting quotes.

no, i'm guessing caughtinside is having a beer right now.

slim wrote:that perfectly describes the college i went to.

Did you go to the Air Force Academy?

Ah, gawd, first it's the faux-dirtbags vying for "real climber" credits and now it's low-esteem homely women getting into climbing for the sole purpose of male attention. How am I supposed to find good partners on the interwebs who just want to climb?

dolgio wrote:Ah, gawd, first it's the faux-dirtbags vying for "real climber" credits and now it's low-esteem homely women getting into climbing for the sole purpose of male attention. How am I supposed to find good partners on the interwebs who just want to climb?

There clearly needs to be an Asexual climber's alliance. Get in touch with these guys for more info.

asexuality.org/home/overvie…

I know, John, I was referring to the conclusions drawn by others. Yours was an excellent thesis as always - thanks for some brilliant entertainment,I got hosed on a shoulder with a football-size chunk of ice on Monday so can't climb and am bored...

Monomaniac wrote: Did you go to the Air Force Academy?

mines (same difference though, probably actually worse. at least you guys had NO chicks.)

johnL wrote: Call it a toaster size chunk of ice, calling it football makes it sound like you should have caught it. Or punted.

Nobody would expect a woman to be able to catch a football. Or a man for that matter, assuming that man was a climber.

slim wrote: mines (same difference though, probably actually worse. at least you guys had NO chicks.)

Point of order, I did not attend the academy, and technically, there are women there. But I was in the military and no place is a better example of John's thesis than the military. Except maybe the Vatican, but they make a point to ensure they have lots of little boys.

EDIT: Also, I assume at Mines you're not confined to campus like a prisoner of war.

camhead wrote:Oh, and I think that this photo illustrates the point of this thread perfectly. Look at it, guys. What is the first thought that pops to your head?

My first thought was "why is that chick climbing like 6' off route?"

Will S wrote: My first thought was "why is that chick climbing like 6' off route?"

Funny. My first thought was Why is that bolt like 6 feet off route?

The Bobby wrote: Funny. My first thought was Why is that bolt like 6 feet off route?

There's a route in that picture??

Cliffnote version:

camhead wrote:Oh, and I think that this photo illustrates the point of this thread perfectly. Look at it, guys. What is the first thought that pops to your head?

Someone placed a bolt where you can obviously use the crack or a pocket, and it's 6" off the ground.