Top Ten Trademarks of Sketchball Climbers

The longer I climb the more I realize that the people who beg to be applauded for their climbing know-how are often less experienced than they seem. Here's my list of immediate turn offs that say, don't be proud, just go down, and never let this person belay you again.
1) defensiveness when you inquire about their experience
2) getting insulted when you discuss the kind of belay you would like
3) pressuring their partner to lead or skip a gear placement
4) zealous belief that there is only one way, their way, to rock climb
5) strong prejudice or militant hatred towards one type of climbing
6) "practice soloing" AKA building a mediocre piece anchor for me and running it out to the next belay.
7) Catching and eating butterflies at camp
8) Berating their belayer for short roping them when they can't do a move
9) Downgrading or talking about how the route you're about to get on is "way casual"
10) Belaying sitting down, far from the cliff, while eating, talking, drinking, or moving small boulders...wait this happens all the time...

True that! Although I may be a little guilty of #3 for "strong encouragement" to lead. I especially don't like #8.

E

By this criteria, I am the LEAST sketchball climber ever.

1.I love to tell you about my climbing experience.
2. I'll give you all the slack you want, or hoist you up the route, whatever you want.
3.I actually have to beg my partners to put in more gear, I climb with some bold freaks.
4.I believe my way of climbing is only good for me, so whatever you want to try is fine.
5.I only think bouldering is wierd(even though I own 3 crashpads).
6.I've been a guide since High School, screwing over the 2nd is grounds for no beer.
7.I'm into catching and eating Bettys, not mariposa.
8.If you know the climber can't do the move, why give em 10 feet of slack and then hoist them up again and again everytime they fall.
9.Even if it is casual, I wail, spray and gnash my teeth about how grim it is.
10.It's a law, the second you pick your nose while belaying, that's when the climber will fall, even on a simple warm-up.

There you have it Kayte, tell Jay I'm good to go!

Come on 'Fart Monkey', you're still sketchy....

I'd love to be sketchy like Hanky poo!

Kayte Knower wrote:7) Catching and eating butterflies at camp.

???

Tony B wrote: ???

You don't have a problem with that Tony? Sounds sketchy to me...

1. They clip their chalkbags onto their gear loops.
2. They incessantly refer to the Durance Route on Devil's Tower as the "Endurance Route."
3. They don't use chalk.
4. They have bumper stickers that say "Sport Climbing is Neither."
5. They use words such as "entry level" in relation to climbing grades.
6. They name their dogs "Toke."
7. They climb to quiet the voices.
8. They say things like, "when I was belaying my friend Didier/Francois/Chris."
9. They employ expletives after falling.
10. They are named Hank.

Jay Knower wrote:1. They clip their chalkbags onto their gear loops. 2. They incessantly refer to the Durance Route on Devil's Tower as the "Endurance Route." 3. They don't use chalk. 4. They have bumper stickers that say "Sport Climbing is Neither." 5. They use words such as "entry level" in relation to climbing grades. 6. They name their dogs "Toke." 7. They climb to quiet the voices. 8. They say things like, "when I was belaying my friend Didier/Francois/Chris." 9. They employ expletives after falling. 10. They are named Hank.

You gotta put your chalkbag somewhere. And c'mon, you never scream out things like "Shit cock fuck ass balls!" after you fall off an easy move? I know buddy Dave G. does every time he falls off one of his ill sick gnar projs.... brah.

Jay Knower wrote:3. They don't use chalk.

Hey now, I don't carry a chalk bag if its all hand jams. I mean, what's the point? Its not like I'll grease out because my fingertips are moist.

Now, everything else, well that's a whole other story.

Their rope is carried to the cliff in the factory coil.

All of their cams are either brand new, or are old u-stem camalots with hand tied slings around the wire.

The vast majority of their locking carabiners are actually regular carabiners with duct tape around the nose.

They wear a trucker hat, aging work boots, and carhardts, have subtle speech impediment, smoke a LOT of weed, and alternate between Indian Creek and the Wild Iris, living off of shoe resoles and cam trigger repairs. Also, they climb without chalk all the time, and live in a camper that has a high end gaming computer in it.

Jay Knower wrote:9. They employ expletives after falling.

Um, pot meet kettle?

1. Can't do the approach without stopping every 5 minutes
2. Dropping gear is standard practice
3. Routefinding? What routefinding?
4. Take tons of posing pictures to document their "sick" ascent
5. Fall seconding 5.4
6. Fall leading slabs
7. Get lost on the descent
8. Claim to climb "5.9+" in Eldo but can't pull easy 5.7
9. Harness falls off on lead
10. Nipple rings get caught on partner's nut tool

I wonder who I'm talking about...

They swear their harness is still in good shape, they bought it second hand from Mike Head in 1987.

Any similarities to Kevin Mclaughlin is unintentional.

Jay Knower wrote:1. They clip their chalkbags onto their gear loops. 2. They incessantly refer to the Durance Route on Devil's Tower as the "Endurance Route." 3. They don't use chalk. 4. They have bumper stickers that say "Sport Climbing is Neither." 5. They use words such as "entry level" in relation to climbing grades. 6. They name their dogs "Toke." 7. They climb to quiet the voices. 8. They say things like, "when I was belaying my friend Didier/Francois/Chris." 9. They employ expletives after falling. 10. They are named Hank.

1.I clip my chalk bag to my belay loop, cuz I'm usually scared.
2.I only want to BASE jump Devils Tower after taking a helicopter to the top.
3.I chalk up before I start making coffee in the morning.
4.The bumper sticker on my Volvo says "paddle faster, I hear banjo music".
5.I say "uber heinous warmup".
6.Our dogs names are LuLu and Steak.
7.I embrace the voices and do whatever they say.
8.Belaying scares me so I talk my friends into doing it.
9.I recite scripture whenever I fall.
10.My actual name is now Fart Monkey, get with the times man.

The prostitution rests.

Came up with a few more. As I search for new partners, the list seems to keep growing.
1) Stating that their ropes last forever because they never fall.
2) Giving bad beta on purpose.
3) Nit-picking someone for the gear they have; not everyone can afford to climb in Mountain Hardware jumpsuits.
4) People who forget numbers are subjective, and climb for egotistical reasons.
5) Doing approaches with other people, but insist on using MP 3 players.
6) Victory whippers (on your rope)
7) They don't know how to tie a clove hitch.
8) Saying things like: "That doesn't look right" or "That's not how I'd do it" while belaying someone on lead.
9) They only know how to belay with a gri gri
10) They brag about their time spent in the boy scouts.

Anyone who "knows" how to set-up a top rope anchor.

Anti-Sketch:
my future cat named Potato (easily transfigured to Mashed, depending.. Ya see it wasn't sketched after all. Come & git me peta-heads)
& my headlamp -- and Lulu, of course.

who the hell would name their dog "Steak" anyway?

I thought you could always tell by the size of there taped gloves and the number of hex/tri cams they want to climb with.

1. Talks more about Climbing than he/she actually climbs.
2. Gives advice about technique that they can't actually do.
3. Has more climbing gear than needed...wait that's me
4. Blames equipment when climbing poorly
5. Buys gear to replace said bad equipment
6. Constantly making excuses
7. Re-Checks rappel device over and over again - from lack of experience
8. Lies about actual climbing experience
9. Lies about lying about actual climbing experience (see 4 & 6)
10. Posts on Mountain Project more than actually climbs

SketchE wrote:the number of hex/tri cams they want to climb with.

This is definite sign of the anti-sketch.

Buff Johnson wrote: who the hell would name their dog "Steak" anyway?

I know, I bought my wife a Pug and she named her Steak. She really is very Steaky though....

Tits McGee wrote:1. Talks more about Climbing than he/she actually climbs. 2. Gives advice about technique that they can't actually do. 3. Has more climbing gear than needed...wait that's me 4. Blames equipment when climbing poorly 5. Buys gear to replace said bad equipment 6. Constantly making excuses 7. Re-Checks rappel device over and over again - from lack of experience 8. Lies about actual climbing experience 9. Lies about lying about actual climbing experience (see 4 & 6) 10. Posts on Mountain Project more than actually climbs

1.I have more about sex than I actually talk about climbing.
2.I give more advice about sex and my techniques.
3. I have more sex than I have climbing gear.
4.I blame the rare poor sexual performance on my climbing gear.
5.Me equipment is in spectacular shape.
6.I never make any excuses when I'm having sex.
7.I haven't had a lack of experience since the 8th grade.
8.Actually, everything I've said so far is a lie.
9.My answer #8 was a lie.
10.I have more sex than I actually post on MP.

Bang, that just happened!