Pulmonary Suprema

The ultimate pulmonary function test! The rating of difficulty is based on how well your lungs work...and how much you suck. Starts on a stair-like section of pink rock that kicks back into extremely overhung territory. The opening crux moves begin on something that can only be described as a "feature". The crux is getting around, over, and through this blocky, roof-like obstruction. Use and abuse an odd barrage of holds that range from huge, to weird, to awkward, to super-sick (but hilariously shitty) all at the same time. Your chance of success depends on how much of a weakling you are and how well you get your baby-butt soft hands to stick to these strange, yet delicious holds.

Man handle that rock! Scream at those holds! To get yourself over this feature requires a body builder's strength and a contortionist's coordination. The moves you must stick perfectly include a right hand pinch on a loaf, a left hand in a weird position in a sick undercling, a foot way out right, and a left foot stuck in a dish and then moved to a crack all combined with a huge full body huck to a hidden jug above. This completely anaerobic set of starting moves tends to make the uninitiated quite short of breath right away, leading to a flash pump from hell right off the bat.

Sound like fun? Keep climbing. Once you get past the opening sequence (pumped out of your mind) the rest of the climb is huge, sweet jugs thrown in with a combination of moves (that are by no means rocket science) to another series of moves that are a bit pumpy. Some middle sections of the route might freak you out simply because you are so pumped from the flail-fest that you probably experienced down low.

Some locals have described this climb as the ugly, twin sister of a super-sick, classic climb in the Big Picture Gully known as Quest For Fire. While the climbing is sick and classic for the full length of Pulmonary Suprema the pump is actually manageable (if you milk rests for all they are worth) making Pulmonary a bit less of a challenge compared to other Spearfish Canyon climbs in the 5.11c range. This, plus the fact that many a climber has been so frustrated by the opening moves of this climb that they never get on it again gives it three stars. Yes...it is unfortunate. It seems that a high level of lameness, by a group of visiting climbers, from some place in this country, that is populated by puds, has doomed what should be a classic climb to a mere three star status.

Don't that deter you! Get on this thing! Acclimate yourself to the concept of the high altitude huck and get in shape, you freaking weenies! In the 1960's, when Kennedy was banging Marilyn Monroe, over 60% of all Americans could do at least 10 pull ups. By the time Reagan took office, and ketchup was considered a vegetable for school lunch, only about 30% of the population could do 10 pull ups without ending up looking like a total pud. WHAT IS YOUR EXCUSE?!

The bottom line is this climb is probably sandbagged and its difficulty is completely dependent upon how much you suck. If I were you, I'd make a serious decision to make a total commitment to sucking less. GET ON THIS CLIMB! IT ROCKS!

This is the sick route, with the obviously strange roof feature, just to the right of the arete climb known as Indecent Exposure.

A dozen draws. Consult your physician to see if your lungs are healthy enough for activities like masturbation, kinky sexual activity, and dangerous activities like rock climbing. Stick clipping is really not necessary for those who know how to breath easy. But stick clipping the second bolt can make it possible for those who suck to have less of a sucky time on this route.