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The Dirtbag Dude's Guide to Picking Up Hot Girls at the Crag

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JesseJames · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Jun 2013 · Points: 0

The Dirtbag Dude's Guide to Picking Up Hot Girls at the Crag
by JESSE JAMES
WhippersAndTears.com

What I love about climbing is that it’s not only tolerable – but accepted, even mandatory – to stare at some hot girl’s ass while she climbs. In any other situation you would surely get slapped for looking at a girl’s butt for so long (or beaten up by her boyfriend), but not at the crag. No way.

See a butt you like on the wall? Well, now, it’s time to move in.

First you need to get her attention. Take off your shirt. Sun’s out? Guns out. Is she looking at you yet? No? Move next to her and start talking about some hard routes, even if you never climbed them. *cough* The Rostrum. *cough* Astroman.

The Nose on El Cap was so rad. A day? Oh, hell yeah. Like it was nuthin.

Make sure she can hear you, man! Did that work? No? Try name dropping. You might not be famous or cool, but maybe you climbed with someone famous or cool.

You rope up with Honnold, right? Ya, like all the time.

Remember: It’s not lying – it’s flirting.

Has she got the hots for you yet? No? Shit, son, it’s time for some next-level pickup. You gotta demonstrate your bona fides. I mean saddle up, cowboy. You need to IMMEDIATELY jump on the hardest route you can possibly climb. Rip off that shirt. Grunt your way up the overhanging rock – skip bolts, run it out, and try not to die. Unleash a savage man-beast howl at the chains – GRRRHHHHHHHAAAAA!! Yeah, dude, you got her attention now. For sure.

Unless … there is a crusher lurking nearby. WARNING: Your worst nightmare is the crusher!

At any crag, there are bound to be multiple handsome dudes pawing at one hot girl. This is a problem. You must isolate the competition. If there is a crusher on the loose, watch out! He might steal your girl. You need to strip him of his manhood. Be like, ‘Oh, yeah, he’s just a SPORT climber.’ Make sure to pronounce the word ‘sport’ with as much condescension as you can muster. Practice at home if necessary. Repeat after me: ‘Ohhh, he’s just a SPORT climber. Trad is so much harder.’ Of course, you better sack up right then and there. Grab some cams and GO! GO! GO! Show that sport twinkie who the real man is!

After your death-defying trad lead, shuffle over to her and whisper sweet nothings in her ear; ‘He might have bigger muscles than me, babe, but you can see my balls from space.’

Next step? Get up close and personal.

Is she working a route? Show her some ‘moves.’ Women love it when you pay attention to them. Take an interest in her project – ‘wow, that’s so sick’ – even if it is five grades easier than your warmup.

Good news, boys; climbing is your license to touch – and women get mega turned on when you touch them. Is her harness too loose? Adjust it for her, real slow. Show her the beta on her project by guiding her body gently through the moves on the ground. Massage her shoulders before her big send. Is the first bolt 1 meter up? Give her a spot. Obviously, and this is extremely important, seize any and every opportunity to grab her ass. All in the name of safety, remember.

It’s no secret that girls love money, but since you’re a climber, I know you’re broke as dirt. Do not fret. Talk about those sponsorships that might be coming in – one day. Free Patagonia jackets, free climbing ropes, maybe even a free cam or two – you just gotta send that next hard project that you’ve been working for years. Brag about your awesome van that you camperized in a Home Depot parking lot in two hours – girls love a handyman. You’ve been living in it how long? Just make sure there’s nothing else living in it, like mice. And if you invite her back to your wicked rig for ‘dinner,’ hopefully we’re not talking about Kraft Dinner. You do have some real food, don’t you?

In an article for Outdoor Research, Beth Rodden gives men some pickup tips. She says to ‘impress her outside of your climbing abilities.’ Good call. If nothing else works, do one-arm pullups, like Honnold. As many as possible, right in front of her.

Beth also says ‘make sure you are clean.’ Obviously, if you smell like wet diapers, you’re not gonna bag that hot climber babe you’ve been oogling. At least take a hobo shower at Starbucks before you go prowling.

Whatever you do, avoid bouldering gyms, especially indoor bouldering gyms. I went down to the Hive in N. Van cruising for chicks, and some ripped freak was swinging all over the wall like a monkey on yayo, doing moves that looked more like Parkour than rock climbing. How the fuck does a trad climber compete with that?

The boulderfields outdoors are not much better. Avoid them. I know you’re desperate, but you’re not THAT desperate. Those boulderers share more than just beta – you could get clapped a day’s drive out if the wind is right.

Most importantly, learn to handle repeated rejection with dignity and grace; you came to crush, not creep on girls.

Jesse James
Relationship Status: Single (lol)

whippersandtears.com/the-di…

Jeff Koperek · · Grand Junction, CO · Joined Aug 2013 · Points: 20

This is pretty damn hilarious

AnnaG · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Jan 2015 · Points: 0

Entertaining read!

Muscrat · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Oct 2011 · Points: 3,625

OP had too much turkey! Go easy on'm.

Tim Stich · · Colorado Springs, Colorado · Joined Jan 2001 · Points: 1,520

Hell, this would pick up me if a dude offered it this weekend.

"Hey, I have a heated campervan, Netflix on my iPad, and some coffee with Bailey's if you want to get out of the weather and warm up."

Brrrrrr.

Long Ranger · · Boulder, CO · Joined Jan 2014 · Points: 619

Same.

aikibujin · · Castle Rock, CO · Joined Oct 2014 · Points: 300

A lot of the same strategy as the "cute girl at the gym" guide. Maybe you guys can share some notes!

semi-rad.com/2014/01/chart-…

Laura Long · · Marquette · Joined Nov 2015 · Points: 60

hahahahahahahah yess

Jon Frisby · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Feb 2013 · Points: 270

This is way better than semi-rad's. Dude you're a pretty good writer. I like your trip reports

Luc-514 · · Montreal, QC · Joined Nov 2006 · Points: 12,506
Muscrat wrote:OP had too much turkey! Go easy on'm.
Him being a vegan, raw food, organic, no OGM, no gluten aficionado, I doubt he'll partake with a piece of said bird.
eli poss · · Durango, CO · Joined May 2014 · Points: 525

I wish more male climbers would read and practice this shit. Then maybe I'd have less competition for the climbing girlfriend.

Montana Mike · · Missoula, MT · Joined Aug 2015 · Points: 0

Reading this made my day!

Russ Keane · · Salt Lake · Joined Feb 2013 · Points: 392

Funny enough.... But even within it's tongue-and-cheek approach, it;s still pretty sexist.

StonEmber · · Raleigh, NC · Joined Mar 2013 · Points: 35

Interesting way to vent about getting rejected all the time....

B Jolley · · Utah · Joined Mar 2015 · Points: 172
JesseJames wrote:Unleash a savage man-beast howl at the chains – GRRRHHHHHHHAAAAA!! Yeah, dude, you got her attention now. For sure.
https://youtu.be/X16G2hsVI9w?t=47s
Tim Stich · · Colorado Springs, Colorado · Joined Jan 2001 · Points: 1,520

Holy shiiii.... that video of the 'roids guy.

Whoa.

Since we are on the great subject of impressing the ladies, let us take a look at a boy that did nothing of the sort that I heard about recently. First off, he was a noob from the south that wanted to climb mountains. How did he study this? Why, by reading many, many gear reviews apparently. And so, he would pepper the girl he favoured with said information with zesty authority, layering statements like "mountaineers wear this coat" and "this is what you have to have, this Feathered Friends jacket to climb mountains." Of course, he got double boots to climb in Colorado. When his lady friend showed him her clothing selections she got on sale, at discounts, and the like, he said "that won't work."

Everything she did was wrong. Wrong clothing! You're doing it wrong!

Although ladies do love to be told they are all wrong, oddly enough this did not endear him to this particular lady. She festered about this constant criticism. She bristled at dinners after doing a peak where he would ask rhetorically, "was this a date?"

Eventually, he got the message. He was not the one, and he sulked and one day just told her "nevermind" when asking about something insignificant.

So, that is what you do not do, gents and dirtbags.

Trad Princess · · Not That Into Climbing · Joined Jan 2012 · Points: 1,175

^^^^

LOL Stich, that sounds like how I imagine 90% of MP posters would "handle" it.

So good. So sad.

Tim Stich · · Colorado Springs, Colorado · Joined Jan 2001 · Points: 1,520

This sort of know-it-all guy who actually has no experience also tends to make the ladies very nervous when out in the backcountry. Of course, there is no democratic process when route finding is in question or anything is in question.

We also talked about that aspect of it. ha ha ha.

SummitSender · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Oct 2014 · Points: 458

This write up is so extremely similar to a article by pro climber Alyse Dietel
seelyseeclimb.wordpress.com…
A step by step guide to picking up climber chicks.

Like really....REALLY "similar"

KatieRichards · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Dec 2015 · Points: 0

"Guideline #1: Don't be a jerk" It's in jest. I get it. It still kinda sucks tho.

BigB · · Red Rock, NV · Joined Feb 2015 · Points: 340

EDIT: looks like Tim K beat me to it...

Seems ALOT like this blog ( seelyseeclimb.wordpress.com… ) posted on 10/3 and yours was posted on 10/18 hmmmm :

There she is, that hottie in the sports bra lacing up her muiras. Oh yeahhhhh. You totally wanna check out her figure….eight, don’t you? Well, there’s a method to this madness you young stud. First off, assume she knows absolutely nothing about climbing. Yes, she does want beta on that boulder problem. And she definitely wants you to campus it. This gives her the opportunity to lavish her eyes upon your glorious biceps….side note, your shirt is off here. As always. Duh. Don’t worry, the cold will make you look more defined. Goosebumps are SO in right now. And while we’re on the subject, some artfully torn jeans and a beanie are a staple of your casual look. Now that you’re looking mighty suave, it’s time to woo that damsel in distress. She just got that problem that you were kindly giving her beta on, and you need to go give her a high five! By the way, the secret to a great high five IS making eye-contact….no, not those eyes. Lower. There ya go! Now that you’ve given her that ego boost, it’s time to……wait, that was her warm-up? No worries! This provides the perfect opportunity to comment on how she’s “really in shape” and give her a once-over. By this point, it’s clear that she wants to climb with you, so follow her to her next boulder problem.

Ok, so her next boulder problem is a harder grade than you expected. But I mean, if she can do it then you can do it easily, right? I mean, she is a girl. First you need to establish your manliness. Let her know how easy this boulder problem is going to be for you. Say something about how you needed another warm-up anyway or something like that. Also, it’s very important to explain why this problem is going to be easy for you. This is an excuse to talk about how much you bench and how many push-ups you can do. She’ll be so impressed that you sending her project will just be icing on the cake. Alright, so after some of your helpful coaching, she’s ready to give it a go. Go ahead and give her a generous spot, and if your hands graze that booty, well, you’re just being safe! And she did wear yoga pants, so I mean, she obviously wants you to check out her butt. She could’ve worn sweats. Although, girls butts look good in sweats too. That girl over there is wearing sweats. Mmmm. Brooooo. Hey, focus! Oh phew, she made it to the top. Wait, she made it to the top? Hey, the only thing she should be flashing is you!

So now you have two options. You can not try the problem because, you know, that tendon you sprained lifting like a boss is hurting (wink wink). Or, you can try the problem and show her how easy it is. You’re gonna go for it? Of course you are bro! But first, do some flexing disguised as stretching. Take a quick glance at those biceps to make sure they look fierce. Don’t worry, she won’t notice. And they do look fierce! Ok show time! Annnnd go! …..ok well, getting to the third hold isn’t too bad! I mean, that problem is totally not your style, plus that hold definitely spun and you needed chalk and that tendon you sprained is acting up…yeah, play off that, she looks like she feels sorry for you….oh wait, she’s watching that tool over there on that V9. Psh, what a tool. But wait! This is your chance to show how laid-back you are. Watch him with her and act unimpressed that he’s on a V9. Psh, no, you don’t care about him. He’s no competition. Psh. Look, he fell. Shrug casually and offer him some advice on what he could’ve done. You know, if he was a real man. Psh.

Now it’s time to bring out the big guns. No, not your biceps, the figurative guns. Act like you’re super bored and casually ask her if she wants to get on ropes. She said yes? She wants the D. Also, this is now officially a date. Obviously. Heh, that makes it a double D. Heh….double D….anyway. Oh shit, she busted out a lead rope and is tying in. And you’ve never lead-climbed or lead-belayed before. Bro, it’s totally chill. You can wing it. Ask her to put the belay thingy on the rope while you bust over to the water fountain. Super important to stay hydrated. Now you look knowledgable and efficient. Cool, so now all you have to do is clip the belay thingy to that one loop and you’re in business! Not so fast bro, check her knot. This is totally not for safety (you’re not a loser), it’s an excuse to get cozy. Her knot is close to her body so, like, you have to get close to her body! See what I did there? Freaking genius bro. Make sure you give her knot a few tugs forward so she gets the idea in her head of your intentions for later. Yeahhh. And now she’s checking out your….oh wait, she’s just looking at your belay device. She says it’s clipped on wrong? Whatever bro, you can totally smooth talk your way out of this. Just tell her that that’s how the pros do it. Name drop that one guy….Hoonold! Yeah, say he does it! Now she’s saying it’s pronounced Honnold and he solos? Push, whatever that means. It’s probably not important. Oo, tell her if she sends this route she won’t be “solo” tonight! Yeah, that’s perfect! Now she’s telling you to give her slack…awww, it’s ok girl, not everyone knows it’s pronounced Hoonold. She’s tugging on her rope and looking at you meaningfully? This must be like that one dance move with the fishing pole! Aw yeah bro, let her reel you in! Shimmy on over and….wait, she’s untying? Does she want to go somewhere private? Ask. She doesn’t feel comfortable with you belaying her? Ha! Ok bro, this is a classic scenario. See, the thing is, you’re way out of her league. Make sure you shout that at her as she walks away. Yeah, way to get the last word! You stud, you! You sure showed her! Whatever bro. She’s clearly too dumb and blind to see what a catch you are. Her loss! Where’d that girl in the sweats go?

Guideline #1: Don't be a jerk.

General Climbing
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