Climbers with significant other that doesn't climb

Patrick Mulligan wrote:This is true, but things also change over time. People have kids, have jobs that limit time and priorities change. I've definitely seen more strife caused by one person's priorities changing in ways the other has not leaving two people who felt very balanced feeling very unbalanced as a result of the changes. As I mentioned, its entirely subjective, but I've also seen less strife in the relationships around me that are based around security and love than those relationships based around a single or multiple sports. I don't know how old you are and certainly can't speak for your experience, but I can also tell you that I've watched more people quit climbing (or any other sport) as they've gotten older than people who continue at the same level as when they're younger. I'd say less than 1/3 of those I was climbing, riding, skiing with in my teens and twenties are still at it today.

This is really well put and explained.
I used to say: "If your relationship is based primarily on a mutual interest, what happens when one of you quits?"
My climber-girlfriend of more than a decade ago (not my wife), whom it was so easy to find mutual interest and schedule casually with has quit climbing. She's still a wonderful person, but if climbing had been the basis of a relationship, it would have ended anyway.

First of all, thank you to everyone who posted here. It's wonderful to hear the exchange.

I am a (former) female climber, yes, there are some definite difficulties to not having a climbing partner. For years most of my boyfriends were guys I knew from the climbing community - it was hard to make it work with guys who didn't understand or appreciate the sport... not to mention that guys who didn't climb were often intimidated by the muscular guys I would climb with...and the extensive time we would spend together at the crag. Climbing has an inherent kind of sexual bent to it - lots of sweating and breathing hard, being connected at the hip to another human being, whose pleasure or pain depends on your watchful eye and encouragement. It can be a pretty charged space in that sense. When I started dating my husband, he was so amazing and we worked together so much better than had ever worked out with my climbing boyfriends, and so, I slowly walked away from the climbing scene. That said, I MISS CLIMBING SO MUCH. I have about a thousand biners and beautiful clips collecting dust... But every time I try to go back to the climbing gym, some guy inevitably shows up to try to make a move on me. (This isn't a great feat by the way - female climbers are so few and far between, you can be a 4 and men will follow you in droves around the crag. It's bananas.) I've tried climbing in my wedding ring even - doesn't help.

My best suggestion is to find a few women who want to climb, and schedule a once/week date with them to climb. I say this because most female climbers aren't super avid, so it helps to schedule a few of them if you're trying to get multiple/week. Also, start trying to convert a few female friends into camping... if you can get a few just to come do the camping part with you, it at least adds numbers to your otherwise (likely) all-male camp-and-climb crowd. (Having gear you can lend them makes the sales pitch a little easier too in my experience) :)

Or, if none of that works, take up yoga instead (that's what I did). It's communal strength training, can be done outdoors, and at least keeps your body in the kind of shape you need/want to jump back into climbing later (should you still want to).

For the right relationship, all kinds of sacrifices can be worth it. Just remember that change is the only constant in life, and just as you are more than just a person in a relationship, you are also more than your climbing. Good luck!

Michelle, thanks for sharing your perspective. I disagree with a lot of what you said, for example my experience has not been that climbing is inherently sexual, or that most women wouldn't care to climb more often than once a week, but that is all a matter of opinion and personal experience so thank you for sharing yours.

However, as someone who has personally witnessed the gruesome trauma that is degloving,

Michelle P wrote:I've tried climbing in my wedding ring even - doesn't help.

PLEASE do not do this.

Yeah, ring comes off as soon as I hit the gym/crag...that risk is a whole load of NOPE. I do keep mine on me, though...prana pants have that nice little zip up cargo pocket.

Anyways, I met my wife long before I got into climbing, so I never had to worry about the whole dating a climber thing. I did go through this with music, as I'm very passionate about performing and going to concerts, but death metal never became her scene. ;)

It's funny...I've seen some people swear off dating non-climbers, and others swear off dating climbers. I think it really depends on each person and the relationship that you have...if you're the type of couple that has to do everything together and share every interest, then dating a non-climber won't work. My wife and I maintain a certain degree of independence, so it works for us, although it can definitely be hard. Basically it boils down to "I wish I could climb more and she wishes I was around more." Having kids further complicates things, although when they get older, hopefully you can bring them along and get them into the sport.

At the end of the day, for me the most important qualities in a mate were finding somebody who appreciated me for who I was and let me be that person...not to mention somebody with whom I have good chemistry. I think a lot of people over analyze relationships and come up with a theoretical list of desirable traits that they then use as a metric to judge a potential mate. They then end up finding people who look great on paper but don't get along with, or discount people that could have been a great match because they didn't fit the mold.

Married 30 years to a NO Risk Taker and I have climbed all over the world and get about a 100 days a year in local and traveling. For better or worse, she knows I am not complete without it.

You guys and gals limiting your pool of soul mate candidates are making long odds even longer. Find someone who accepts you for being you and appreciates your passion for climbing. They don't have to have the same passions to respect your passion.

Don't get me wrong....there are concessions...you cant be a selfish fuck and make any relationship work.

Godspeed on your quest for climbing and a great partner on and off the rope!

Michelle P wrote:Climbing has an inherent kind of sexual bent to it - lots of sweating and breathing hard, being connected at the hip to another human being, whose pleasure or pain depends on your watchful eye and encouragement. It can be a pretty charged space in that sense.

Wow, makes me wonder what kind of sex you've been having (or,climbing for that matter). I'll have to call up my old (male) partners and ask why they never hit on me (including that one time we were forced into the dreaded man spoon on an unplanned bivy).

Honestly, I disagree with this thought, but maybe that's just me. I've always had no problem being just friends with females, even if they're exercising and wearing tight clothing. I've always been interested by the person, not by what they're doing.

Oddly enough, even though my wife and I used to climb together, and the really long dry spell that ensued after having kids, it's only now that our oldest kid has gotten into climbing that I'm able to get out again. We've had some really great trips together. Life coming full circle I guess.

I have been climbing for forty-three years and married to a non-climber for thirty-four of those years. When we met I was really, really into it, my world more or less revolved around climbing.. and a little skiing and surfing. My girl never really did any of these activities. I took up hiking and cycling, which she loved to do. I kept climbing and used my rest days for endurance actives with her. We continue to section hike the PCT in the summer. Life and climbing has continued and now I get to have my adult daughter rope gun for me when we get out on trips together a couple times a year. For me, the secret has been a partner who loves me for who I am, doesn't want me to change and me wanting to find shared actives away form climbing. I know several other serious life long climbers, with non-climbing partners who make it work too. Keep the faith.

Lots of great comments here. For some persons, if climbing consumes all your time, then primary relationship with climber makes sense. For others, like myself, climbing is break in my week that I share with a good buddy. My wife has her own "break time" activities that include her friends. A rarity that one person can be everything for someone else - this can be set-up for unrealistic expectations.
In my single days, I was out climbing with a group of friends 2-3x/week. Now with marriage, kiddo and work, 1x/week works well.

Michelle P wrote:First of all, thank you to everyone who posted here. It's wonderful to hear the exchange. I am a (former) female climber, yes, there are some definite difficulties to not having a climbing partner. For years most of my boyfriends were guys I knew from the climbing community - it was hard to make it work with guys who didn't understand or appreciate the sport... not to mention that guys who didn't climb were often intimidated by the muscular guys I would climb with...and the extensive time we would spend together at the crag. Climbing has an inherent kind of sexual bent to it - lots of sweating and breathing hard, being connected at the hip to another human being, whose pleasure or pain depends on your watchful eye and encouragement. It can be a pretty charged space in that sense. When I started dating my husband, he was so amazing and we worked together so much better than had ever worked out with my climbing boyfriends, and so, I slowly walked away from the climbing scene. That said, I MISS CLIMBING SO MUCH. I have about a thousand biners and beautiful clips collecting dust... But every time I try to go back to the climbing gym, some guy inevitably shows up to try to make a move on me. (This isn't a great feat by the way - female climbers are so few and far between, you can be a 4 and men will follow you in droves around the crag. It's bananas.) I've tried climbing in my wedding ring even - doesn't help. My best suggestion is to find a few women who want to climb, and schedule a once/week date with them to climb. I say this because most female climbers aren't super avid, so it helps to schedule a few of them if you're trying to get multiple/week. Also, start trying to convert a few female friends into camping... if you can get a few just to come do the camping part with you, it at least adds numbers to your otherwise (likely) all-male camp-and-climb crowd. (Having gear you can lend them makes the sales pitch a little easier too in my experience) :) Or, if none of that works, take up yoga instead (that's what I did). It's communal strength training, can be done outdoors, and at least keeps your body in the kind of shape you need/want to jump back into climbing later (should you still want to). For the right relationship, all kinds of sacrifices can be worth it. Just remember that change is the only constant in life, and just as you are more than just a person in a relationship, you are also more than your climbing. Good luck!

Did you just join MP.com to exercise your hand at trashy romance novel-esque writing? "a thousand biners and beautiful clips" - "being connected at the hip to another human being, whose pleasure or pain depends on your watchful eye and encouragement." Craigslist ad meets trashy romance novel. Bravo.

The one thing I'll add:

Your climbing performance is 100% on you. If you're in a healthy relationship you can achieve the same goals as if you are single. If you love someone and sit there thinking 'I wish I could go to X, but he/she won't let me', that is your problem. If you are unhappy about the situation, don't blame someone else, what are YOU doing about it?? Make time for your relationships and make time for yourself. We all can list tons of role models who climb hard and have a life outside of climbing. If you can't date a non climber you are narrowing your partner pool one-hundred-fold. If you can't climb well in a relationship figure your shit out.

For me the trick is to make sure both people are secure in who they are, what they love, why they are together, and that love means allowing your self and your partner to follow their own heart and desires FIRST AND FOREMOST. If that is not the case there WILL be conflict. Do you even want to be with someone who is not following their path, with all the latent, unspoken unhappiness that results??