Climbers with significant other that doesn't climb

Last time I climbed I was single and could devote all my time to it. A few years ago I took a break from climbing. Now I am in a serious relationship...

If you are a climber but your girlfriend/boyfriend or wife/husband doesn't climb, how often do you climb?
I want some advice on how you make it work?

My girlfriend is one of my best friends, so we spend a lot of time together. But she doesn't climb (I have tried teaching her but she is still very beginner). I really want to spend a lot of time on the rock and in the mountains this summer, but if I am away on the weekends, its the only time we spend time together (conflicting work schedules) and that's not fair to her. We also just moved to a new city so we have limited amounts of friends so far.

How do you have a balance where you are able to climb better each year and meet your goals, but still have a healthy relationship at home?
I'm building a bouldering wall in my garage in hopes to help my strength out, and at the same time show my girlfriend how to climb.

Any advice would be appreciated!

A man cannot serve two masters. As you already know - something has got to give here - good luck.

I agree with Chris. I wont even date a non-climber.I've tried, but understand half of what I say and they usually can't wrap their heads around the fact that most of my partners are men and that I go climbing on all my vacations/weekends. I do think its' ALOT easier to change a non climbing gf into a climbing one, as opposed to a non climbing bf...at least I haven't had any success on that front!

I am married to a non climber. I weekend warrior through the climbing season and spend a few weeks a year doing climbing trips. She does plenty of travel without me and we still spend a good deal of time traveling together. I get out of work earlier than her so I do as much training as I can before 7pm when she gets home.

Been married for 25 years, my wife does not climb at all. It has never been an issue. She can see when i am getting antsy and will tell me, "you need to plan a wall trip soon". I am fortunate in that she understands how important climbing is to me, my problem is finding other guys who's wives are just as cool, there aren't many.

Does she like to belay ? You could reach a compromise.....one day on the weekend you climb together or you just go climbing solo. Then the other day she can pick something that she likes to do?

Or, maybe she could find a woman partner to climb with at her skill level and it could be like a "double-date" to climb together ?

Is she interested in getting better at climbing?

I don't know....it's so hard, because I have friends that are like that and also when one person is a hard-core skier and the other isn't. Also, from a woman's point of view...I find more male partners to climb with and hope their girlfriend or wife doesn't get jealous. But Just keep a balance. Be honest, be trustful.

you say you've tried to teach her and she is still a beginner. Does she like it? If so I think it would pay dividends in the long run to to dial back your expectations this season and really focus on getting her as good a climber as possible so then in the future you can do big things

My wife used to come belay me and climb off and on up until we had a baby... post baby I climb more than I did before, part of this has to do with me having awesome climbing partners that tell me to bring my daughter on nights that my wife has to work. the other part has to do with the fact that I try really hard to be a good husband/ dad on the nights that we are together so that my wife never feels like I'm neglecting her or my daughter (I do the dishes, cook dinner, make them breakfast, do date nights, and other stuff)... I know I've done a good job at this when she lets me climb three times a week and take a weekend climbing trip without her once a month with no complaints.

I'm also married to a non-climber, and I'm happy for it. It's rare that couples have climbing goals that align (especially if you're performance motivated like me), so I've seen more than a fair share of arguments around where to climb, etc. It's hard enough to do this with my guy partners; I couldn't imagine doing it with my wife!

As others have said, I'm really lucky that my wife is both very independent and she fully respects my obsession and need to train and climb. She gets annoyed when I pace around the house, so she'd rather see me come home tired! I do long range planning with my training and climbing trips, so I'm able to plan non-climbing vacations during periods of rest, where I won't be tempted to turn it into a climbing trip. Otherwise, I try and get her to come along on trips with other friends for hiking/sightseeing/etc while we climb. It's not without it's challenges though, so best of luck!

My wife doesn't climb, which I thought was hard enough. But now I have a 2 year old as well. I go to the climbing gym when she does her activity (karate), and now I have my kid with me so I don't usually even get to climb when I am at the gym.

I don't really think it's as simple as dating/marrying a climber vs. a non-climber. A lot of climbers that find their climbing limited by the demands of their relationship with a non-climber think all their problems would be solved if only their significant other climbed. But think about all of your climbing partnerships - there is a lot more to finding a good match than "we both climb". The likelihood that your significant other will be a good match for you in skill level, motivation level, preferred climbing style, climbing goals, etc... is very slim. No matter who you are dating, balancing a passion bordering on obsession with the demands of a relationship is a challenge.

I think all you can really do is decide for yourself how much time you need to devote to the different aspects of your life in order to be happy, and if the person you are dating fits in with that balance, it will work out - and if not, it won't. If you prioritize climbing over your girlfriend, you will end up either single or realize you have a very independent/tolerant girlfriend. If you prioritize your relationship, you may not climb as often as you used to but will have a healthy relationship. If you want to find a balance, you have to find a person who has the same ideas as you on what an equal balance looks like.

For me, I found the right balance by moving to a place where the commute to climbing is 15 minutes instead of 3-4 hours, which means I can climb all day, go home and shower, have a social life with climbing and non-climbing friends or significant others alike, sleep in my own bed, and do it all again the next day. It is easier to find enough hours in the day to prioritize both climbing and relationships when I am not spending 6-8 hours in a car every weekend. I also get laid more often when I'm not sleeping on the ground in a remote location 2-3 nights a week. ;)

Like others have said, something's got to give. I had to pack up and move across the country to make it work, but it's definitely working and I'm very happy.

Em Cos wrote: For me, I found the right balance by moving to a place where the commute to climbing is 15 minutes instead of 3-4 hours, which means I can climb all day, go home and shower, have a social life with climbing and non-climbing friends or significant others alike, sleep in my own bed, and do it all again the next day. It is easier to find enough hours in the day to prioritize both climbing and relationships when I am not spending 6-8 hours in a car every weekend. I also get laid more often when I'm not sleeping on the ground in a remote location 2-3 nights a week. ;) Like others have said, something's got to give. I had to pack up and move across the country to make it work, but it's definitely working and I'm very happy.

Em, your opinion doesn't count because you're funding your trips through MP Tripstarter. We don't all get the luxury of MP and community sponsorship.

Just married a non climber last fall!
We took a two month road trip honeymoon, hit 8 national parks and some other key climbing destinations. She did a lot of hiking, climbed a little, belayed a little, etc.
For about 2 weeks of that time I had a couple friends show up for the 'real climbing'. It was a bit of a juggling act but it worked.
I think the key for us was to not push it too hard. I had to get it into my head that this is not a climbing trip, but I'll get to do some climbing here and there. And she had to understand that when my friends showed up, I was going to climb all day.
The nice thing about some of the finer climbing spots in the US is that they are equally as nice for picnics, hiking and just enjoying nature and beautiful locations in general. So, it's not too hard to get them to tag along for a day outside together.
That being said, I go on a couple 'serious' climbing trips a year, and she doesn't usually join me for that.
Good luck, it'll work out fine.

This is an interesting question, and one that could have a ton of different answers. It's cool to read other climbers' stories, but keep in mind that each situation is unique. Sum of all the parts of it, I guess.

I've never seriously dated a climber - I think I'm usually attracted to women that aren't drawn to climbing, for whatever reason. I dated for many years, and am now married, to a lady that has tried a little climbing, but doesn't much care for it. It's really just my thing. Pros/Cons/What have I learned?

Pros: when I go climbing, I don't have to worry about taking care of my partner's needs/safety there, because she's home doing her own thing. I can get a little time by myself, which I find quite useful for my sanity and the good of our relationship.

Cons: there has been a struggle (which has gotten better) to balance climbing with couple-time. Luckily for me, I'm not incredibly driven to push grades/always climb like a lot of climbers are. It would be much more difficult to find balance if I was on the rock several times a week. I had to learn how to dial back my single-guy mentality (and climbing frequency) to more reasonable levels. At first, that seemed like a drag, but now I can see it's helped me to be a more even-keeled person.

What I've learned: Like with anything, this is a personal thing you have to work out with your partner. There are a few basic universals, like giving a crap about each other's feelings, finding balance, etc. However, you have to be honest about what you both need, and try to find a spot you can both be happy. Don't worry about what other folks tell you that you SHOULD be doing. It helps if your partner is happy doing their own thing a lot, if you try to date/marry a non-independent person AND they don't climb...it will be very tough.

Luckily, a lot of climbers (especially men, I've noticed) will never have to worry about this problem. I think the same personality traits that drive a lot of us to climbing, or to obsess about climbing, can manifest themselves in ways that might make us very bad partners, or unattractive as mates. There are a couple of those blokes that come to mind - their climbing forum profiles chocked full pictures of half-naked women with odd captions...just screams "ladies' man" doesn't it? LOL.

Building a home wall is a good step to minimize time away and stay in shape.

Although my wife doesn't climb, she understands the obsession and is very tolerant of trips/time away. This is a big deal because I can't just run out to the local crag for a few hours--closest rock (to Louisiana) is in Northern Alabama--6+ hours away.

So if your significant other isn't a climber, be sure that they understand that climbing isn't just another hobby--it's a lifestyle that requires serious commitment, like marriage..

My wife doesn't climb, and I see more problems with people whose partners climb than with those whose don't. As others have said, unless you've got really similar abilities and goals it won't help that they climb, and may just cause strife. Belaying your partner on 5.impossible isn't fun.

I make sure that when I'm home I do as much as I can, and get away a lot during the season without any hassle as a result. Don't take the piss. Be twice as good when you're home. Do everything to make your partner's day better. And make sure he/she is cool with you skiving off. Hell, we even vacation separately sometimes, but still do a lot together as well.

If you want to make it work, and your partner wants to make it work, then you'll be sweet. If either of you doesn't, then, well, *shrug*.

My wife doesn't really climb. I do have a home bouldering wall but climb on it maybe 1-2 days a week. She knows I will climb at least one day on the weekend outside. Sometimes she comes with me just to be outside and hike around. During rope climbing season, she belays me. Gives her something to do while she is out and gives me a belay partner. Pretty sweet setup really.

Bring her with you is what I am saying (especially if she enjoys camping). Time together is time together.

I've been married 22 years. my wife is not only a non climber but is deathly afraid of heights. it's never been a problem for us. she respects my need to climb. I climb whenever I can, which depends on a lot of factors not just marriage. when we had kids I took them with me. it never stopped me from climbing.

For me, if it came between a girl and climbing, I would choose climbing in most scenarios. But I also take the sport more seriously than most so I am bias more toward climbing than most.

Maybe the correct answer here is not climbing vs girlfriend, but rather a new job that allows you more time off or aligns your off-times together better. If you have more time off it sounds like you wouldn’t have to choose. Of course, that's much easier said than done, but if you absolutely cannot live without either, you will find a job that allows you to keep both.

Em Cos wrote:I don't really think it's as simple as dating/marrying a climber vs. a non-climber. A lot of climbers that find their climbing limited by the demands of their relationship with a non-climber think all their problems would be solved if only their significant other climbed. But think about all of your climbing partnerships - there is a lot more to finding a good match than "we both climb".

AMEN! My girlfriend climbs, yet she is not my main climbing partner. I dont get the same psych climbing with her that I do climbing with the guys. She climbs more recreationally, for fun, and I climb a bit more competitively, so I like to be around others with similar goals.

Wow. I didn't think I would get this many responses. I really enjoyed reading all of your stories and experiences.

I wanted to find a climbing girlfriend, but all the girls I new were taken. Then I found my girlfriend and wouldnt want it any other way. Besides the climbing part, she's everything I need.

She enjoyed climbing when I showed her a few years ago. I will take the time to go with her and see if it is something we can enjoy together.

Thanks again for all the advice, I feel a lot better now knowing that many people have had success

I have climbed for over almost 25 years and have had long term relationships with women who climbed and am now married to a non-climber. I have to say that non-climber is much easier over all. My wife does climb at times and is very good about both of us being free to pursue our passions. I do know several "old" climbing partners who no longer climb because they have wives who aren't as understanding. I also have witnessed (and been part of) melt downs that have occurred because of skill differences, etc. My wife and I don't have those.