Dating a climber...

I've been around climbers most of my life, for 57 out of 71 years. I've seen countless couples, both climbers and only one a climber. People bring their unique collection of attributes to relationships and the interplay of those attributes seems to me to have little to do with whether or not both partners climb. I've seen it work well and I've seen it work miserably, and in almost no cases does it seem to me that climbing was really the major factor, although it sometimes appeared in the list of excuses.

That said, many folks do go through a passionate phase with climbing that makes it really impossible for them to attend to anything else. Relationships for them satisfy a low-level need for companionship but definitely take second place. It is rare in my experience, but not unknown, for that level of passion to go on and on. People move on, sometimes with climbing as one of many interests, sometimes moving from climbing to other things. Sometimes circumstances make it much harder to be a climber. Sometimes health interferes. Occasionally climbing injuries put an end to climbing.

I think I fit the passionate mold pretty well. Then one day, literally out of the blue, I woke up paralyzed from the waist down. I was lucky to fully recover in a year; that was certainly not guaranteed. But long before that recovery, I had to confront the very real possibility of a life without climbing, possibly led from a wheelchair. It dawned on me that my brain was still functional. I went to grad school and got a PhD and became a professor. And yes, since I did fully recover, I went back to climbing and am still at it, but never again to the exclusion of the other wonderful delights of life.

Given all this potential flux, relationships only survive if the parties really value each other and are prepared to make compromises for what I think are the inevitable but unknowable shifts that happen over the course of a lifetime.

Back to dating. If you want to climb, by all means date other climbers. But in case things don't seem to be working out all that well after multiple tries, remember that the only constant in the equation is you.

Thank you so very much, Rgold. Very beautifully written and moving and wise.
Much appreciated!

The Blueprint Part Dank wrote:My relationship just finished crashing down around me because I was prioritizing climbing over my non-climbing girlfriend So unless you can either A: find someone who's okay with being 2nd place to climbing for you. Or B: date a climber

This, and what Rgold said

rgold wrote: People bring their unique collection of attributes to relationships and the interplay of those attributes seems to me to have little to do with whether or not both partners climb. I've seen it work well and I've seen it work miserably, and in almost no cases does it seem to me that climbing was really the major factor, although it sometimes appeared in the list of excuses. That said, many folks do go through a passionate phase with climbing that makes it really impossible for them to attend to anything else.

is what I wanted to get at. It's great if you can find somebody who shares common interests, but you need to be aware that the most important thing in a relationship is consideration. Both men and women are capable of putting their interests above the interests of their partners (being self-centered). If a relationship is something you want, then that should be your priority number one and climbing is just your hobby. If you're lucky enough to find a partner who also enjoys climbing, your own obsession for it could take all the fun out of it for the other and could also lead to other problems in the relationship. In this case, I agree with Matthias.

Mathias wrote: Actually I was thinking more along the lines of 'climbing' being your partner. As in, you being married to it. :)

20kn I think you misread what you quoted.

Jen Vaisman wrote: Sadly, it's accurate... And yes, he was trying to get in my pants...

I'm going to let you in on a fact that all guys know and all father's should teach their daughters. All (straight) guys are trying to get in all girls (unless hideous) pants all the time. If a guy disputes this and comes off as being "sensitive," he is either using this as a ploy to get in your pants or he has a boyfriend. That is just the way we are wired.

Brian wrote: I'm going to let you in on a fact that all guys know and all father's should teach their daughters. All (straight) guys are trying to get in all girls (unless hideous) pants all the time. If a guy disputes this and comes off as being "sensitive," he is either using this as a ploy to get in your pants or he has a boyfriend. That is just the way we are wired.

Yes, the monogamous man is a myth. All guys cheat on their partners all the time. If they don't, they either don't have any game or they are gay.

Source: thought process of an 18 year old

Ryan Watts wrote: Yes, the monogamous man is a myth. All guys cheat on their partners all the time. If they don't, they either don't have any game or they are gay. Source: thought process of an 18 year old

I didn't say that all guys cheat. I said that all guys want to get into all girls pants. Most guys refrain from doing it but they all want to. Can you say that when you see a totally hot babe in short shorts and a sports bra climbing that you don't want to get into her pants, whether you intend to carry through with it or not? If you say no then your need to come out of the closet.

Brian wrote: I didn't say that all guys cheat. I said that all guys want to get into all girls pants. Most guys refrain from doing it but they all want to. Can you say that when you see a totally hot babe in short shorts and a sports bra climbing that you don't want to get into her pants, whether you intend to carry through with it or not? If you say no then your need to come out of the closet.

I guess I better come out of the closet Brian. If I can't see the potential for a relationship with a girl, not only will I not waste my time persuing her, I'm not even interested. Gotta have a connection above the pelvis and one hobby just isn't enough for me. Though a hobby in common does present the possibility of friendship. Sorry to destroy your over-simplified view of the world.

Mathias wrote: I guess I better come out of the closet Brian. If I can't see the potential for a relationship with a girl, not only will I not waste my time persuing her, I'm not even interested. Gotta have a connection above the pelvis and one hobby just isn't enough for me. Though a hobby in common does present the possibility of friendship. Sorry to destroy your over-simplified view of the world.

Ok Brian I see your point

Brian wrote: I didn't say that all guys cheat. I said that all guys want to get into all girls pants. Most guys refrain from doing it but they all want to. Can you say that when you see a totally hot babe in short shorts and a sports bra climbing that you don't want to get into her pants, whether you intend to carry through with it or not? If you say no then your need to come out of the closet.

I agree

My boyfriend and I both climb and it's pretty amazing. We've had some amazing adventures and I've learned a lot from him. I knew when I started climbing that dating someone who didn't climb was out of the question. I knew that this was something I wanted to continue with and progress at so I was going to need to be with someone who wanted the same. If something ever changed where he didn't want to climb anymore though or couldn't I would still stay with him. Even if you took climbing out of the picture my boyfriend and I still like to be outside - go hiking, fishing, etc. It would be something that I could still do if he ever gave it up (although, I can't ever imagine that happening) and I still think he would be supportive of it. I have met people who have SO that don't climb or don't climb as often as they would like for one reason or another. I think it's all what you make of it. As far as 'what happens if your companion stops climbing?' I think that's up to the individual and what that relationship means without that one common interest. I think you need more that just one thing in common to make things work.

Brian wrote: I didn't say that all guys cheat. I said that all guys want to get into all girls pants. Most guys refrain from doing it but they all want to. Can you say that when you see a totally hot babe in short shorts and a sports bra climbing that you don't want to get into her pants, whether you intend to carry through with it or not? If you say no then your need to come out of the closet.

Barring the castrato, you are 100% correct. Although I think you run afoul with guy code by cluing in all the females.

Hey Jen I'm single...but not moving to California :)

Ryan Watts wrote: Ok Brian I see your point

But apparently missed mine.

Mahjoe wrote:Hey Jen I'm single...but not moving to California :)

Ha! No need to move :-)

Dating fellow climbers can be very rewarding, it can also be difficult and suffocating. Spending time with your SO is awesome right? Where do you draw the line though? When that person becomes the one you are sleeping with (in both contexts), waking up next to, training with, climbing with, traveling with, camping with, all on top of the expectation to do domestic or pedestrian activities with your partner while in town? This can turn out to be stifling and put serious pressure on your non-climbing relationship.

@ the OP- You started off with "Dating is hard enough..." I think you're right and shouldn't make it any harder on yourself by limiting the "pool" of people you think you could have a relationship with. As far as what happens if they stop climbing? That's already been answered here pretty well (and poorly).

Jen Vaisman wrote: I'd hate to put a ceiling on possibility by having specific criteria but with most of my bandwidth focused on climbing, gear, trips, the prospect of jumping etc.

Are you talking skydiving? BASE? You think the climbing community is small... Jumpers are an even more select group. Good luck to you, I hope you find Mr. Right, and have a fucking blast in the meantime!

Jen Vaisman wrote:what happens if your companion stops climbing

Butt stuff

I would advise that climbing should not be the main reason to date or establish a long term relationship. Several of my otherwise good relationships were adversely affected by attempting to teach a non-climbing partner how to climb. NEVER be the teacher!

Have you tried outdoorduo.co.uk ?

My wife isn't a keen climber, but we have discover Via Ferratas. She has peak fever, so the FVs meet her mountain need, but she feels a little happier with the vertical stuff. I just enjoy the vertical stuff. We are now regular visitors to the Alps.

My boyfriend was a kayaker with aspirations of climbing (read: had climbed in the gym and wanted to learn to lead) when I met him. And now he climbs as hard as I do.

I've advised single female friends of mine to find a boyfriend who is interested in climbing and get him really into it because (I'm totally gonna get flamed for this) a lot of climber dudes (you know the hot ones with the sweet back muscles who climb 12s) are DICKS... Not all! but many.

Also, I think the key, as others have said, is to have balance. You both need your own thing, for us, that means we have sort of two groups of climbing friends I mean we're all friends, but there are a handful of guys who always text my BF about climbing and a handful of guys/girls who always text me to climb. And when we go on trips, if one of us cant go, theres never a guilt trip, we understand the desire to climb and understand its not personal.